it's all gone horribly wrong...
by serendu
Summary: Oh dear oh dear. I've sent myself to middle earth! Pity it's going to be a very BAD idea. R&R please! And hey - miracle of miracles! *IT'S FINISHED!* does crazy dance of joy! Yippee! Idiot.
1. Boredom Strikes...

This has been an idea lurking in my mind for a while... I'm sending myself into middle earth. As you do. Yes I do have a very twisted personality.  
  
This isn't mine. Never has been, never will be. Apologies to Tolkien for taking great liberties with his wonderful ideas. What can I say? I was bored...  
  
Boredom Strikes...  
  
And so, there I was. Waiting for something interesting to happen. My life quite simply, sucks big time at the moment. My only joy? Fan fiction. God I loathe myself. How the hell did I end up like this?  
  
All things considered, it shouldn't have come to this. I did well at school, passed everything, except ironically IT. Ironic as I now spend most of my life surfing. Oh well - I blame my teacher for that.  
  
So now I'm bored. Even my stories as fun as they are hold no joy for me. What I want is... What I want is to get the hell out of here. Hmm. What a pity it isn't as simple to do as say. Dammit.  
  
So there I sat, gazing blankly at the screen. Wondering what my next chapter will contain for one of my stories. Then it hit me! I'd sent my friend Kate to middle earth for a laugh. Now my story was coming to an end. The lightbulb above my head came on. I'd done it to her. Why shouldn't I do it to me? Brilliant!  
  
At least that's what I thought.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*****************************  
  
This is admittedly very short. Don't know what came over me. I am sending myself to middle earth. And it won't be a Mary Sue. Honest. 


	2. Departures And Arrivals.

Not too sure where this story is going. Hmm. Sorry if anyone doesn't like it. Am doing it purely for my own amusement.  
  
Still not the owner of anything. Except myself. And my humour.  
  
Departures And Arrivals.  
  
So I packed my stuff in my bag. Survival in the wilderness book - just in case I took my time meeting the fellowship. Sharp machete (my brother's - he left it here after his marriage. Which is probably a good thing) a nice warm blanket. Lighter. My copies of Lord Of The Rings for obvious reasons. A bottle of vodka - for emergencies only you understand. Food, mainly crisps, chocolate etc. A change of clothes. Some essentials, face wash, makeup, nail varnish, nail varnish remover, you get the picture. What? I figured if I was going to have a chance with everyone's favourite elf I'd need as much help as I could get. And a few other bits and pieces.  
  
I did ponder on the wisdom of dressing up in some ridiculous outfit to make myself more feminine looking, but then I decided that if I did end up in the middle of nowhere in middle earth a dress would seriously hinder my attempts to get somewhere so I stuck to my usual garb. More comfortable anyway. Heaving up my now quite heavy bag (I couldn't pick from my collection of over 200 nail varnishes so I took them all - just in case) and sat my self back down at the computer, my fingers poised to start my adventure. I took a deep breath and started to type my own doom.  
  
***  
  
My head spun as my fingers typed the story of their own accord. Before I knew where I was the world around me started spinning. Never a good traveller I shut my eyes to avoid the dizzy sensation, hoping I wouldn't start my adventure in the worst way. By being very sick.  
  
Eventually my eyes opened. I realised I was lying on the grass and looked around to survey my surroundings. The edge of a large forest was close by. Fangorn or Mirkwood? I pondered. Has to be Mirkwood, I decided. I'm not so stupid as to send myself miles away from my favourite elf! Am I?  
  
I got up, determined to lose no time in finding the elf prince and making him fall madly in love with me. Hey, I figured since I was writing the story it shouldn't be too hard should it? Idiot.  
  
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This will get going soon honest. Please R&R. I do have some ideas as to what to do next. *Grins* 


	3. Into The Forest...

Still owning only myself. Which is a good thing really when you think about it isn't it? And if you're reading this and haven't reviewed yet - shame on you!  
  
Into The Forest...  
  
I made my way into the forest with my bag oblivious to any danger that may be lurking. After all, I was writing this - not as if I'm going to run into any danger now is it? And I would be finding the palace in no time at all...  
  
I was lost. Hopelessly and completely lost. Usually I'm not too bad at finding my way around which is fine as long as I've got landmarks to remember. Unfortunately I found that all the trees looked pretty much the same. And I kept falling over the various undergrowth. Where the hell did they put the palace?  
  
I saw movement up ahead and hurried towards it. Hooray! Civilisation! Well of a kind anyway. I crashed through the forest making about as much noise as an entire herd of elephants would. Big mistake. I was so intent on looking up at the trees wondering where the hell I was and getting to where I was supposed to be that I didn't notice the way the ground sloped down.  
  
***  
  
I came to and saw possibly the biggest spider ever. I am not fond of spiders. Little ones I can cope with. Ones as big as me? Not good. Not good at all. I screamed. Right about now my elf prince would come hurtling through the forest to rescue me, alerted by my anguished cries.  
  
I was still waiting as the spider started stringing me up. I watched with a sick kind of fascination as the creature wove an intricate web especially for me. It didn't bother me, I comforted myself with the thought that I would be rescued in no time at all. Eventually I was bored enough to start a conversation with the spider. Well, it was after all making a web just for me and it was going to die a horrible death soon.  
  
"Nice job." I commented nodding towards the web.  
  
The spider looked dumbfounded for a moment. Obviously previous captives had not bothered to make idle conversation. "Thanks." It finally answered. It continued with it's task.  
  
"Y'know there's not much point in you doing this." I said. Guilt was beginning to make it's presence felt. I really can't bear killing things, regardless of how ugly they are.  
  
The spider ignored me, and began to heave me up to it's newly finished web.  
  
"I'm gonna be rescued any minute soon, and it'll be a horrible end for you, y'know. Why don't you just take off now while you can." I said.  
  
"Rescue?" It mused. "I think not."  
  
This disturbed me a little. It sounded so confident that I got a teeny bit nervous. "Well, yeah. I am gonna be rescued." I stated firmly.  
  
"By who?" It asked.  
  
"Err..." I thought quickly for a moment. I couldn't say Legolas yet, after all I didn't know him. It would be a little presumptuous on my part to say he was definitely going to rescue me. I could after all be brought to the palace by someone else and then he would fall madly in love with me, the mysterious maiden. I chose to be vague with my answer, "The elves!"  
  
"The elves?" It asked sarcastically. "I think not."  
  
Wow. Who knew spiders could be sarcastic?! I recovered from my surprised state and asked, "Why do you say I won't be rescued?"  
  
"The elves wouldn't rescue you if you paid them." It commented gloatingly. "You see, things have changed around here. The elves don't bother us and we don't bother them. You my dear are not an elf and therefore fair game. And now my dinner."  
  
'The elves don't bother us?' What the hell? For the first time I actually struggled to get free. Had Mirkwood become so dangerous that the elves and spiders formed some unusual alliance? The spider ignored my attempts at getting free and began to make it's way back into the depth of the forest.  
  
"Hey!" I called, "I thought you said I was dinner!"  
  
"You are." Came the answer.  
  
"So where the hell are you going?!" I cried.  
  
"It's only breakfast time." Came the response as the spider scuttled away to whatever other poor victim it had.  
  
***  
  
I stayed in the web for about an hour. Even my patience had run out. Obviously this prince would only be impressed by a girl who helped herself. Grateful for my foresight in bringing the machete I managed to wriggle free and slash the web to pieces. Which at the time seemed a great idea. Until I came crashing down onto the forest floor. Ouch.  
  
I got up and started off again, going in the opposite direction to the spider. As interesting and talented as it was with the whole sarcasm and web making I decided I'd be better off avoiding a creature who wanted me around for dinner. And not in a nice way.  
  
***  
  
I finally found some sort of hidden path. I only found it because I wasn't looking for it. Aren't I talented? I followed it and finally found myself at the entrance to the great palace of Mirkwood. Hooray! I inwardly did a little dance of victory. Soon I'd have my elf prince. Hehehe.  
  
Idiot.  
  
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This one's a bit longer thank goodness. Hope you're all enjoying. Please R&R. I can offer you an Easter egg? It's one I didn't want. Got nuts in. Yeuch. 


	4. The Palace

Nobody reviews this story. I'm writing it anyway. [except the 2 who did review - much love going out to you both]  
  
Still owning only myself and an Easter egg that I don't want. Ah well - such is life.  
  
The Palace.  
  
As I did my merry jig in my head my brain failed to notice the arrow that was now pointed at my neck. Oops.  
  
"Stranger. Do not move else I will loose my arrow." The elf before me stated.  
  
Wow. I was impressed. Ok I know elves are supposed to be quiet, but flipping heck - this was unreal! He just appeared out of nowhere! I glanced up to see his face. Damn. Not Legolas. Not bad though, dark hair, dark eyes, nice body - but that goes without saying - after all he is an elf. One odd thing though he had short hair. I always assumed elves all had long hair. Obviously not.  
  
"Stranger. What business have you in Mirkwood?" The elf asked, getting slightly impatient at my continued silence.  
  
"Err, umm. Just visiting?" I answered moronically, unable to think up any good excuse.  
  
"'Visiting'?" He repeated a sneer on his lips.  
  
"Yeah. Visiting. Problem?" I said, becoming irked by his attitude and still present arrow to my neck. He looked puzzled for a moment before the expression was replaced by one of utter contempt. Right about now Legolas should show up and put this imbecile in his place.  
  
He didn't.  
  
***  
  
I was taken by the elf towards the palace and then handed over to a group of elves, five in total. I was blindfolded and then led away. Unlike in the books no one assisted me and consequently I stumbled more than once. As I tried to walk without falling I heard some of the conversation behind me.  
  
"Don't know how she got through..." One voice said.  
  
"Spiders are slipping. You'd think they'd welcome free food." Another responded.  
  
"Well, to be fair they are pretty much overwhelmed these days." Said a third.  
  
"Hmm. Suppose so." Came the first.  
  
Then I fell again for what seemed like the hundredth time only this time I did it good and proper, wrenching my ankle in the process. The yelp of pain I let out must have made their sensitive elven ears hurt big time I thought grimly. Serve them right for blindfolding me!  
  
Hopefully his Highness heard that and will come rushing to my rescue and they'll all get their comeuppance, my brain mused. I will of course be swooning from the pain, hence he will have to carry me unconscious into the palace where I will be laid down upon his bed, cos he won't be able to part from me and no other room is good enough. I mentally began planning my speech as I woke up, only to be pulled to my feet and shoved forward by a very unfriendly hand. Big mistake. I fell again and this time really did faint from the pain.  
  
***  
  
Coming around the blindfold had been removed and I was sitting in possibly the most uncomfortable chair I had ever had the misfortune to come across.  
  
"Ah. You are finally awake."  
  
Damn. I thought. It's the sneering elf who found me first. Can't he just fuck off and get Legolas? My patience had run a marathon by now and my ankle was still aching, I was not in the mood for anyone sneering at me. Least of all someone whose first act on meeting me was to threaten me with an instant and very nasty death. I decided to ignore him and hope for Legolas.  
  
"Enjoying your visit?" He asked sarcastically.  
  
I continued to ignore him, telling myself that he was beneath me.  
  
"Nothing to say?" He continued.  
  
I satisfied my temper by sending him my favourite death glare. This glare takes practice and I've used it many times. It starts with glaring at the victim's eyes, then glancing to the top of their head, then working your eyes all the way down their body slowly. Stopping at the feet and then rising back to meet the eyes again, finishing off with either a shrug or snort of contempt. I was angry and therefore dealt out both shrug and snort. The elf raised his eyebrows and smirked to himself. That was the moment I realised that I was livid.  
  
Fortunately for Mr I am such a stuck up little elf even if I do have damn good looks but that's no excuse to be such an arrogant pig, before I could heave myself of my chair and limp over to try and wipe that smirk off his face, the door to the room opened and a man with what looked suspiciously looked like a crown on his head stalked in. He looked pissed. King Thranduil? I wondered.  
  
"Another one." He commented in disgust glaring at me.  
  
I said nothing. If my suspicions were correct and this was King Thranduil I figured it would be wise to keep my temper and try and make a good impression on my future father-in-law.  
  
"Will this never end?" He asked the elf who had captured me.  
  
Nobody spoke, including me. Now was not the time to demand Legolas, as it looked like the King was just waiting for an excuse to send me to some dungeon. I began to wonder whether Mirkwood had dungeons. Damn, I knew I should have brought my copy of The Hobbit as well.  
  
"Tell me." The King said turning to face me, his feelings of hatred towards me etched on his face, "How did you get past the spiders?"  
  
Now I really was confused. Did he want me to be eaten? I looked at his face and decided that the answer to that question would be a yes.  
  
"Cut myself free." I answered eventually. My ankle was aching and I felt like I was going to be sick. Opening my mouth to talk was not something I really wanted to be doing. That was the reason I kept my answer short. Unfortunately for me no one else noticed the way my face was gradually becoming greener and greener.  
  
"Have you no manners?" Hissed an outraged elf from behind me, pulling me to my feet. "This is the King of Mirkwood. You should show respect."  
  
I threw up. All over King Thranduil's shoes. Some part of me found this funny. The rest realised that it was not a good idea to show that I thought it was funny. Therefore I pulled an expression of utmost horror onto my face, which soon contorted to utmost pain when I realised I was standing on my foot. My nerve endings screamed in agony and I fell backwards onto my uncomfortable chair before the darkness claimed me once again.  
  
***  
  
I came to sitting on the chair once again. The only things that were different were that the floor was now clean and that my ankle was now bandaged tightly. Perhaps a little too tight, I noted wincing from the pain that was emanating from that area of my body. I sat up straighter, trying to ignore the constant ache.  
  
"Ah. Awake at last." The King commented icily.  
  
I cowered into my chair, miserably wishing that I hadn't started this whole thing.  
  
"Since you are here." The King said, "I suppose we should tell you the truth. No, don't say anything," He said raising a hand and glaring in my direction, "We all know why you are here. Legolas is it not?"  
  
I was stunned. Since when were elves mind readers? No wait hang on... I thought for a moment, trying to remember all of the things I knew about the elves.  
  
"We know all about your world. With your books and your moveees." He said , pronouncing 'movie' as though it was alien to him. Which all things considered it probably was. He continued, "The Lord Of The Rings. The Hobbit." He paused, before saying with venom as though the words caused him physical pain, "The Fan Fiction."  
  
"Woah there." I exclaimed unable to stop myself, "You know about all of that?! How?"  
  
"Because they keep coming. Coming here in search of Legolas. We let the spiders take as many as they can, but it seems that even they cannot defeat this menace."  
  
"Which is?"  
  
"Fans. More specifically fan girls." He paused for a moment and glanced away from me to the guard at the door. "Send in Legolas."  
  
The door opened. I prepared myself for what was going to be a momentous event. I wasn't wrong.  
  
Legolas walked in. Here was the creature that I thought would end all my problems in Middle Earth and fall madly in love with me.  
  
Idiot.  
  
******************************  
  
Please R&R.  
  
You know you want to.  
  
Come on, come on.  
  
What are you waiting for?  
  
Hmm?  
  
Get on with it!  
  
Dammit!  
  
That's it. I'm off. Nobody loves me... *Sob* 


	5. Meetings With Legolas

Hey more reviews! Woopee! Have removed the 'sod you all' comment. At least I think I have. Fan fiction seems to have changed it's way of uploading stuff, so it may not have worked...Dammit - just as I was getting used to it they go and change it. Didn't they see me admit that I failed IT?!? And have you ever noticed the way that a story you've read mysteriously ends up looking like you haven't after a while? Or is that just happening to me?  
  
In other news the phone bill came today... Oops.  
  
Nevermind, on with the story...  
  
Meetings with Legolas.  
  
Legolas walked into the room, skirts swishing elegantly against the floor.  
  
Wait a minute? Skirts? Elegantly swishing? What the?  
  
Legolas turned. And then I discovered the truth.  
  
"Welcome stranger." Legolas said, with only a hint of disdain.  
  
My mouth dropped open. It was Legolas. Princess Legolas. Yes that's right PRINCESS Legolas. I was for the first time in a long time, utterly speechless. Eventually my voice returned to me.  
  
"Fuck me!" I muttered almost silently, still gazing in awe at the creature before me. What kind of a screwed up version of middle earth had I wandered into?  
  
The rest of the room surveyed my reaction. I think they were surprised to see that I didn't faint again, considering my current record for fainting in Middle Earth.  
  
I stayed sitting, still gobsmacked when the King spoke to me. "And now you know the truth."  
  
"But," I managed to gasp out, "How?"  
  
"Sauron's evils were more than creating just rings." Legolas answered me, "He managed to change the way our history would be seen in other worlds. Facts were changed. As were some of the creatures involved."  
  
"Oh." That answered that then. "Perhaps I should just go now then." I said trying to get to my feet, realising that a quick exit would be wise.  
  
"Nay, stranger." The King said, "You will stay here. You have entered Mirkwood by means unknown to us and yourself. You will remain until Gandalf can send you back." With that he gestured to the guards to take me away. Well, I thought, at least things can't get any worse.  
  
Idiot.  
  
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Short and sweet. Hehehe. Who knew that Legolas was a girl? Flame/review whatever. See if I care. I'm not even offering my egg now. I think my dog would like it.  
  
[Yes I know chocolate is bad for dogs. You don't have to tell me]  
  
May make this into a romance. Maybe. Maybe not. Debatable. R&R please. I do care. Honest. 


	6. A Four Star Dungeon?!?!

Hehehe. That surprised you didn't it? Legolas is a GIRL. Hehehe. Still not owning anything. Except my rather sick and twisted imagination... And I saw the Two Towers Trailer today. All I can say is roll on Dec! I think I'll camp outside my local cinema right now! Where did I leave that tent...  
  
A Four Star Dungeon?!?  
  
I was taken away from King Thranduil and Princess Legolas. Fuck, PRINCESS LEGOLAS! I still couldn't believe it. Hence as I was taken away I failed to notice exactly where I was being taken. Eventually the pleasant corridors became rather less than pleasant. Finally we stopped at a door which was held open for me. Very polite, I thought.  
  
Until I was shoved into the room and the door slammed and locked behind me. So much for being a guest then.  
  
***  
  
Amazingly, no one had thought to relieve me of my bag. Obviously a girl with over 200 nail varnishes was not seen as a threat. Which I wasn't. Well, at least not to begin with anyway.  
  
Boredom finally took a very nasty hold. Being fed on stale bread and water does nothing for my temper. In fact I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't do anything for your temper either. Plus the whole lack of light was really beginning to bug me. I'm afraid of the dark - so sue me.  
  
"Haven't you lot ever heard of electricity?" I fumed idiotically to the door all the while knowing perfectly well that they hadn't - hey I get irrational when I'm locked in a tiny cell ok? I glared at the door wondering whether anyone was actually out there. "Dammit! Is there anyone there?" I slumped down onto the floor, only to find I wasn't the only living thing in my cell.  
  
My scream brought what my insults couldn't. Attention. Hey - I'm afraid of rats too. And these buggers looked kinda hungry. A face appeared at the window of the door. Damn it was Mr annoying elf yet again.  
  
"What is wrong?" He asked peering into the darkness.  
  
"Rats." I answered, pointing to the creatures that were gazing at me with a hungry look in their eyes. I swear one of them licked it's lips in anticipation. The elf raised an eyebrow at me and then walked away. "Bastard!" I shouted after him.  
  
***  
  
I had been with the rats for half an hour. I was scared. Big time. Do rats eat people? Do Middle Earth rats eat people? Are they trained like the spiders to eat fan girls? More specifically, are they trained to eat fan girls like me? I swallowed and prayed for deliverance. Who were the deities in this world again?  
  
I opened my eyes. Thank the Valar! I had a plan. A cunning plan. Just call me Baldrick.* I sniggered to myself whilst I retrieved my bottle of vodka from my bag and gloated. This, in my opinion was classified as an emergency. My plan was brilliant. It was superb. This would show those stupid elves not to lock me up in any shoddy old dungeon. Hehehe.  
  
Idiot.  
  
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Oh dear oh dear. What am I planning to do? Do not try this at home kids! Not big. Not clever. Wondering what the hell I'm talking about? Find out in the next chapter.  
  
*Baldrick. From Blackadder. Always has a cunning plan. Usually doomed to failure. Haven't seen it?!?!?! You haven't lived....  
  
R&R please. Go on - make my day... 


	7. My Molotov

Does nobody out there read this?! *sob*  
  
Still owning nothing. And I have something real depressing to do after. Oh the life I lead...  
  
My Molotov.  
  
I got up from where I sat and made my way over to the door. Wood. Old, dry and definitely just right for a bonfire. I picked up my bottle of vodka and made my preparations.  
  
Ten minutes later I picked up my lighter and grinned to myself. Just call me a pyromaniac. I lit the wick that I had made from some string and then curled up on the opposite side of the room waiting for the door to burn.  
  
Ten seconds later I was lying on the floor choking. Trust me not to take into account the need for air. I grabbed my bag and decided my best bet (and only chance of survival) would be to run for it. Obviously the elves thought that they'd be better off if they let me burn. Bastards. Checking I had all my possessions I took a deep breath and made for the door.  
  
***  
  
I was outside the palace, but that didn't stop me running. Well think about it. The elves were already distinctly unfriendly towards me, how would they feel now that I'd just tried to burn down their palace in an attempt to escape. Exactly. I preferred the idea of being dinner for a spider than facing any elf of Mirkwood.  
  
I'd almost got out of the forest when I was grabbed from behind. I swung around, no one was stopping me now. Particularly not Mr annoying elf himself. Dammit. I decided actions spoke louder than words. I kicked him in the shin and gave a mad dash to the edge of the forest.  
  
I made it.  
  
***  
  
Quite why I thought I'd be safe once I left the forest I wasn't a hundred percent sure. For some reason best known to myself I stopped running outside of the forest. Bright one aren't I? Which is why I was now being dragged back to Mirkwood by a severely pissed elf. Suddenly I wished I'd kicked him harder.  
  
He dumped me unceremoniously onto the floor in front of King Thranduil. Just what I didn't want.  
  
"You burned down the dungeons." The King stated calmly. Although the anger he was feeling towards me was obvious from the look in his eyes.  
  
"Yeah. And?" I'd had it with the elves. From now on I was an Aragorn girl. Hang on, Aragorn is a man right? I pondered that thought while the King began to rant and rave at me. I opened my mouth interrupting the King's very eloquent flow. "Is Aragorn a man?"  
  
The room was stunned. How dare I interrupt the King? "Aragorn is from the race of Men." Legolas answered flicking her beautiful hair impatiently at me.  
  
"No, I meant is he male? Or is he a she?"  
  
"Aragorn is male."  
  
"Thank fuck for that. Next time I'm aiming for Gondor. Better welcome than here." I mused, then realising every eye in the room was on me I glanced up at the King, "Sorry, you were saying?"  
  
The King glared at me with barely contained venom. "Give her to the spiders." He declared. He turned to the annoying elf whose name I suddenly realised I did not know. "Veborion. You found her. You take her there."  
  
The annoying elf, Veborion got up and answered, "Yes, father."  
  
'Father'? Oh marvellous. I'd kicked Mr, sorry, Prince I am an annoying elf and he'd turned out to be Thranduil's son. How ironic. There was me plotting to get Thranduil's son to fall madly in love with me and then finding out his son was actually his daughter and then when I met his real son I actually resorted to violence. Someone up there really didn't like me.  
  
Oh well, at least now I can attempt to make my escape, I thought miserably as Veborion dragged me out of the room, his grip on my arm bruising my skin. What a charmer. I began to plot exactly what I could do to Veborion to make him let me go.  
  
Idiot.  
  
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Not the best chapter perhaps. I'm discouraged by how LITTLE feedback I'm getting. So R&R now. Got that? 


	8. Back To The Spiders

Yay! More reviews! Happy happy joy joy! Still not the owner of anything except myself, Veborion and the rather weird plot. Here's the next chapter..  
  
Back To The Spiders...  
  
Veborion dragged me back outside the palace. I would have struggled, but I could see that he was already in a foul mood so I decided not to risk worsening it and waited for my chance to escape.  
  
Finally we came to a clearing and he let go of my arm.  
  
"Now what?" I asked after about an hour of just sitting around waiting.  
  
"We wait." Came the response.  
  
"For?"  
  
"The spiders."  
  
I sighed. To be honest I didn't really want to speak to him, but sitting silently waiting for death is not really me y'know? "And then?"  
  
"Then I leave."  
  
"Ok." I paused, and glanced at his face. He was still not a happy elf. "Umm..."  
  
"What?" He asked glaring at me.  
  
"Will you still be here when they, y'know, when they..."  
  
"Eat you?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I may stay to watch."  
  
"Sick little bastard." I muttered more to myself than to him for getting his extra sensitive hearing.  
  
"I am not the creature who writes bad stories because she doesn't have anything better to do." He stated coldly.  
  
"I do have better things to do! And my stories are not bad!" I fumed at him.  
  
"Which is why you sent yourself here."  
  
"I was bored, ok? I wasn't feeling very well and I needed something to do that didn't tax my physical strength too much."  
  
"Any excuse. And to chase after my sister!"  
  
"I. DID. NOT. KNOW. LEGOLAS. WAS. A. WOMAN!" I declared through gritted teeth.  
  
"To chase after what you believe to be a fictional character is still quite..."  
  
"Oh yeah?! You're just jealous cos she gets all the attention and you don't!" Finally, something I said got him to respond.  
  
"I. AM. NOT. JEALOUS. OF. HER!" He answered, marching over to where I sat.  
  
"Touchy." I commented. Obviously there was something in what I said. "Now why would that bother you? Hmm." I ignored his threatening behaviour as he towered over me, looking like all he wanted to do was strangle me. "What would bother you so much..."  
  
"I. AM. NOT. JEALOUS." He stated, his hands clenched so tight into fists it looked like he would draw blood any second.  
  
"If it's not the fangirls..."  
  
"I. SAID..."  
  
"And it's not the stories..."  
  
"I. AM. NOT..."  
  
"Wait! I've got it!" I said leaping to my feet, only to fall back down from the sudden weight on my ankle. "Ouch!"  
  
Veborion did nothing except smirk as I rolled around on the floor moaning while holding my ankle.  
  
"You're jealous because..." I managed to gasp out, "She went to destroy the ring and not you!" My answer wiped the smirk of his face. I realised I'd touched something of a sore spot.  
  
"I. AM. NOT. JEALOUS." He said again. But this time it was said with less force as though he was trying to convince himself, not me. He turned away, "Where are those spiders?"  
  
I grinned. I'd got the reason Veborion was such an annoying individual. Now all I had to do was convince him to release me. Easy.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*********************************  
  
Yes, where are those spiders? Next chapter perhaps? Not sure - R&R please! 


	9. Why Are We Waiting

Oooh! Another chapter! I'm generous aren't I? Well actually - I'm not feeling well, so this is taking my mind off things... Still owning only Veborion and Myself. I'm real - he isn't. Honest.  
  
Why Are We Waiting?  
  
Three hours later and we were both still waiting for the spiders. Silence had fallen between the two of us, mainly because Veborion was now completely ignoring me. Well, not completely, he would have noticed if I decided to try and make a run for it. Unfortunately.  
  
"This is taking too long."  
  
I was stunned. Veborion was starting a conversation! Cautiously, I decided to answer him.  
  
"Well, yeah. Has been a while. Are you sure the spiders are coming here?"  
  
"I have lived in these forests for over 2000 years. I think I should know my way around by now - don't you?" He commented sarcastically.  
  
Ouch. I winced. "No need to be nasty. I was just asking." A thought occurred to me. "Why is this taking too long? Am I keeping you from something?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well, you could just, go y'know." I said hopefully.  
  
"Let's see. Shall I leave you here all alone where you could run off? Hmm. NO!"  
  
Damn.  
  
***  
  
Four hours later and Veborion was getting seriously impatient. And he was taking it out on me. What fun.  
  
"Why should I be stuck here with a worthless creature such as yourself?"  
  
"Well just go then!" I declared, beginning to get annoyed. I mean, it wasn't as if I wanted him to be here now was it?  
  
"The spiders are late! I will be late!"  
  
"Keep your hair on!" I said, chuckling at the evil glare he sent my way. "What's so important that you have to rush off for anyway?"  
  
"My sister is getting married."  
  
Wow. That was sudden. And very unexpected. "Legolas is getting married? Who's she marrying?"  
  
"Gimli."  
  
What?!? "Gimli? As in THE Gimli? As in Fellowship Gimli? As in Gimli, son of Gloin?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"But..."  
  
"But what?"  
  
"He's a dwarf!"  
  
"You are very observant, for a fan girl."  
  
"But how can your sister marry a dwarf?"  
  
"Well, we have the bride and the groom and the..."  
  
"I know what the wedding ceremony is you imbecile!" I shouted. "I meant how can an elf marry a dwarf?"  
  
"Why can't an elf marry a dwarf?"  
  
"Because they hate each other!"  
  
"Whatever gave you that idea?"  
  
"Well, that's what the books say..."  
  
"And you believe them?"  
  
"Well, I er..." Yet again I was speechless. He sent yet another glare my way and snorted. I wasn't about to let his snort get away without a comment. "Next you'll be telling me there are no such things as hobbits."  
  
"What makes you so sure there are?"  
  
"WHAT?!?!"  
  
***  
  
Eventually, Veborion admitted that there were such things as hobbits. Thank goodness for that. I didn't think I could cope with any more shocks to the system. It might kill me. Well, at least if the spiders don't get there first, I mused. "Where the hell are the spiders?" I said the last thought aloud.  
  
"I do not know." Came Veborion's morose answer. Seemed like he'd given up on them too.  
  
"Can't you just let me go?" I pleaded.  
  
"No."  
  
"Dammit! I don't think I can take much more of this!"  
  
"You believe that I am enjoying the experience?"  
  
"Well, who else waits around to see if I'm going to be eaten?" I responded sulkily.  
  
"I am merely obeying my King." He stated.  
  
I sighed. This was getting me nowhere. Could things get any worse? I wondered. "No things cannot possibly get any worse." I declared aloud.  
  
Idiot.  
  
***************************************  
  
Gimli's getting hitched - to Legolas! Good Grief! Can my Middle Earth adventure get any weirder? Probably. R&R please! 


	10. Why Does It Always...

Hello there? Enjoying this? Yes? Good. So am I! Here's the next chapter. Still not owning anything mind....  
  
Why Does It Always...  
  
And of course as soon as I said those fated words what happened? It rained. Not just mild slight drizzle, but the whole here is a nice little flood for you to sit in the middle of a forest in, oh and have some thunder and lightening while you're at it too. Cheers whoever came up with that. Bastards.  
  
I shook my fist at the heavens as the downpour continued. I didn't know whether anyone was up there, but after I did the rain, already the heaviest I had ever experienced, got heavier. Someone really doesn't like me.  
  
The only benefit was that I wasn't suffering alone. Veborion was also drenched and he did not look happy about it.  
  
"This is all your fault!" He moaned.  
  
"My fault?" I answered. "How the hell did you come to that conclusion?"  
  
"You brought this on me!"  
  
"Oh yeah - like I really wanted to get soaked to the skin just to get back at you." I said sarcastically. "As if my day couldn't get any worse. First I end up in Middle Earth and wreck my ankle. Then I almost get eaten by a giant spider. Then when I escape it, you put an arrow to my neck. Then I find out that the bloke I've drooled over for months is actually a woman. Then I get thrown in the dungeons. Then I risk my life in escaping, but am recaptured by you and THEN to top it all off I'm taken back to the forest to be eaten by the spiders, who happen to be late! Of course I'm going to wish for torrential rain. I mean it's not as if I haven't suffered enough today now is it?!"  
  
Veborion glared at me. "You said things could not get any worse. You should have known better."  
  
"Oh shut up. You think I'm enjoying this? Look, for me things couldn't get any worse. I'm spending my last few moments on this planet with YOU of all creatures! Why the fuck did this seem like a good idea at the time?"  
  
Veborion didn't think my speech was worthy for an answer, so we continued to sit in silence as the rain got heavier and the spiders still didn't appear.  
  
***  
  
"Question." I asked after yet another hour of waiting for the spiders.  
  
Veborion looked up, for the past half an hour he had been muttering to himself. I guessed he'd been muttering Elvish curses, but not speaking the language meant I couldn't be sure. For all I knew he could be reciting his times-tables backwards for the fun of it.  
  
"Is there any chance that the spiders would go to the wedding?" I said raising an eyebrow.  
  
Veborion pondered this for a moment before marching over to me and grabbing my arm, hauling me to my feet and dragging me back in the direction of the Palace.  
  
"That a 'yes' then?" I grinned at his facial expression and hoped that my reception back at the palace would be warmer than my first. Well, at least there were no more dungeons to be thrown in, I mused. Things are looking up!  
  
Idiot.  
  
***************************************  
  
You know the drill by now! R&R please! 


	11. Stuck In The Middle With You

Standard disclaimer: I own myself and veborion - that's it!  
  
Stuck In The Middle With You  
  
"So tell me," I began, "Mr I have lived in this forest for over 2000 years and don't you think I should know my way around by now Veborion, how come we're LOST?!"  
  
Veborion ignored my words and continued to drag me through the forest.  
  
"Come on! I know we're lost! We've passed that flippin' tree FOUR times!"  
  
"WE. ARE. NOT. LOST." Veborion stated through gritted teeth.  
  
"YES WE ARE!"  
  
"No we are not."  
  
"YES WE ARE!"  
  
"NO WE ARE NOT!"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES! YES! YES!"  
  
"NO! NO! NO!"  
  
"YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!"  
  
"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"  
  
"YES TIMES INFINITY!"  
  
In answer, Veborion just glared.  
  
***  
  
We ended up sitting and waiting. Hopefully someone, or something would find us sooner or later. And I think both of us were praying for sooner. It was still raining and by now most of the forest floor seemed to be made up of little streams. From the knees down I was covered in mud.  
  
Veborion had not spoken since I had insisted we were lost. I actually found myself feeling sorry for him. Well, I was until he opened his mouth.  
  
"This is all your fault."  
  
"My fault?" Yet again the elf seemed determined to blame his misfortune on me.  
  
"Your fault."  
  
"Fine. Whatever." By now I just couldn't be bothered to argue with him. Then an idea occurred to me. "Y'know this IS all my fault."  
  
Veborion grunted in response. I continued.  
  
"I actually feel sorry for you. Stuck out here in the rain, with only me for company, instead of inside the Palace, warm and dry..." I tailed off, risking a glance in his direction. My speech seemed to be working. "If I was you I'd just leave me here. It's not as if I'll last long out here now will I?"  
  
Veborion seemed to consider this.  
  
"You know you should just go. Go on, just go. I'll be fine. Honest. Go on. I'm sure the spiders will get me sooner or later, and even if they don't, well, lets be honest, it's not as if I'll be sticking around here for much longer now will I?"  
  
After an age Veborion finally answered. "You are right. I will leave you to your fate. Goodbye." And with that he vanished! Yippee! I thought. Free at last!  
  
I started walking in the opposite direction to the way Veborion had gone. This time I was aiming for Gondor. All I had to do was get out of the forest. No problem, I thought.  
  
Idiot.  
  
**********************************  
  
Good grief! I'm childish aren't I? Well, just think how much you'd like to be in that situation then? Hmm? You all know the drill by now! R&R for more! And I welcome suggestions... 


	12. I Think We're Alone Now

Have decided to try and fit in song titles for chapter titles. Sad I know! I need to get out more - big time. But I can't - cos I'm ill. Still owning myself and Veborion...  
  
I Think We're Alone Now  
  
I walked for about ten minutes before I came out of the forest. Unfortunately I came out in front of the Palace, not the edge of the forest as I'd hoped. Damn. I turned around and began again.  
  
Two hours later and I ended up in front of the Palace. Again. This was not going to plan. Oh yeah, and it was still raining. I turned around and tried a different route.  
  
After the third time of ending up right outside the Palace I succumbed to the bad mood that had taken hold of me at various points during today. I said what I thought aloud, and I really didn't give a toss whether anyone heard me.  
  
"Fucking hell! Of all the fucking shitty places to end up in, I end up front of the bloody Palace! A-fucking-gain!"  
  
I turned around and stomped back into the forest. Still muttering to myself. "Oh for the spiders! Oh for a lone orc! Oh for it to stop FUCKING RAINING!" I shouted up at the sky as I stomped into a clearing. And somewhere up there a wish was granted.  
  
***  
  
There I was stuck in yet another spider's web. This time however, instead of having a polite conversation, I was going to pour out my tale of woes into the spider's ear. Hang on, do spiders have ears? I wondered. Nevermind, I'm telling him anyway.  
  
"First off, bright old me isn't well. So for a laugh I send myself here. As you do."  
  
The spider grunted in response, more intent on making it's web than listening to me.  
  
"And hey, if I pick up an elf prince on the way - well that's no bad thing now is it? But noooooo. Not for me. First off I get lost in this bloody forest, then I almost get eaten by a spider, then, when I escape..."  
  
"You escaped?" The spider asked incredulously. "When?"  
  
"Umm..." My train of thought interrupted and for a moment I couldn't remember. "Oh yeah, I escaped around breakfast time. I was supposed to be dinner."  
  
"Ahhh. You were supposed to be Jayne's meal."  
  
Jayne?! My mind boggled. "Since when are spiders called Jayne?!" I exclaimed.  
  
"Since always." Came the amused reply.  
  
"What's your name then?"  
  
"Sarah."  
  
Sarah. I'm meeting my death at the hands (or perhaps that should be legs!) of a spider. Named Sarah. Words and thoughts failed me. Could my adventures in Middle Earth get any more bizarre?  
  
Idiot.  
  
******************************  
  
Hmm short I know.... R&R please! 


	13. What Have I Done To Deserve This?

Next chapter's here folks. Still owning pretty much zilch. Except myself of course.  
  
What Have I done To Deserve This?  
  
Well, they failed me for about ten seconds. Then I remembered how I ended up in this mess, and continued with my sob story.  
  
"Anyway, after I escaped I ended up outside the Palace. Only to be taken prisoner and then thanks to some really unhelpful elves I wreck my ankle. Which for your information still actually hurts. Then I'm sick all over the King and I met Princess Legolas..."  
  
"You were sick? Over the King?" The spider named Sarah asked, shaking with silent laughter.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What next?"  
  
"I was thrown in the dungeons. With the rats. So I burned them down..."  
  
"What? The rats?"  
  
"No, the dungeons. Then I escaped. Only to be caught by Mr Annoying elf himself Prince Veborion, and dragged back to the Palace."  
  
"And then?" Sarah the spider asked, tightening one of the silken threads that bound me in her web.  
  
"My judgement for taking out what I consider to be a barbaric and completely outdated wing of the Palace was to be brought back out here by Veborion and fed to you. Only you lot didn't turn up and then it started to rain. So eventually Veborion and I made our way back to the Palace. Only to end up lost..."  
  
"'Veborion and I'? How very correct of you." Sarah said, interrupting my flow.  
  
"Yeah, well - I'm supposed to know how to write stuff, being a fan fiction author and all." I said, as I tried to wriggle around in the web. The bonds seemed to be getting a little too tight.  
  
"Being a fan fiction author does not preclude the necessity of getting phrases, grammar and spelling right." Sarah declared.  
  
"Oh shut up. Anyway, Veborion left me to make my way out of this hell hole. Which was nice. But then I end up right in front of the Palace. 3 TIMES!" I exclaimed. "Can my day get any worse?"  
  
"Why yes." Answered Sarah turning to face me fully. "I'm afraid it can."  
  
"How can my day get worse?" I asked, for the first time noticing just how tight the web was around me.  
  
"Because my dear," Sarah said, and for the first time I noticed Sarah's very large, very sharp and very glistening with saliva, teeth. "I am going to eat you."  
  
"Oh shit."  
  
***  
  
"Look, you really don't want to eat me." I said nervously as she inched forward, "HELP! Look, I'm not really that tasty, honest. HELP!" I punctuated my sentences with cries for help, desperately hoping that this was not the end. "I mean I'm all skin and bone. HELP! Well, at least I will be once I lose some weight. HELP!"  
  
Sarah ignored me and carried on inching forward. I could smell her breath as it blew onto me from her mouth. And it made me want to heave. Which I didn't do, because if I'd have bent forward to do so I would have ended up in her mouth. Something that I was trying to avoid.  
  
"HELP!" I cried, believing that this was the end. "VEBORION! ANYONE! HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLP!"  
  
An arrow shot out from nowhere, embedding itself into the spider. Then another and another. Moments later, the spider formally known as Sarah was dead. Hooray!  
  
Idiot.  
  
*************************************  
  
So who's my mysterious saviour? And why? Any guesses? Hehehe. R&R please! 


	14. Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For?

Still owning only myself etc etc. Here's the next chapter...  
  
Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For?  
  
"Hello?" I cried. After Sarah the spider's somewhat untimely (well untimely for her at least) end I was still stuck up in her web and my mysterious rescuer hadn't shown their face yet. "Is there anybody there?"  
  
I saw movement to the left of the web, but couldn't distinguish who or what it was. If this had been several hours earlier I would have assumed that Legolas was about to rescue me. But after all that I had seen on this day she was the furthest from my mind. Perhaps it was the real elf prince? I mused. Veborion wasn't that bad looking really. A sort of elvish Orlando Bloom. And hey - who finds Orlando Bloom ugly? Exactly.  
  
The movement ceased. I looked up expecting to see my rescuer. I saw nothing. Whoever, or whatever rescued me had decided not to make an appearance. Once again it seemed that I would have to rescue myself from a giant spider's web. Joy.  
  
***  
  
"I'm getting quite good at this!" I observed to myself. This time I'd managed to descend without falling flat on my face. "Pretty impressive, even if I do say so myself!" I glanced over to where the carcass of Sarah was. "Shouldn't have messed with me, mate! I'm indestructible! Taking on the world!" With that I wandered out of the clearing and made my way to wherever fate decided I should go next.  
  
Yep that's right - where fate decided. I realised that what I wanted on this journey was obviously not going to happen unless I asked for something I didn't want. Brilliant eh? That's what I thought too.  
  
***  
  
This time however I didn't end up outside the Palace. Half an hour of walking brought me back into the clearing. Which was disturbingly lacking a body of a giant spider formally known as Sarah. This was perhaps not a good place to stay. I set off away from the clearing, taking a different route to the one I had previously chosen.  
  
"ARGH!" I couldn't help myself. I had tumbled into what appeared to be something of a spider orgy. NO! Food not anything else - get your minds out of the gutter! And yep, you guessed it - they were feasting on Sarah. Or more precisely, Sarah's remains. Yuck. Ick. Yeuch and Gross.  
  
Who knew the spiders of Mirkwood were cannibals? And is cannibals the right description? And surely they had enough fan girls to feast on without resorting to eating one of their own? Nevermind, I had more important things to worry about than whether I was using the right terminology about spider cannibalism. Like how utterly revolting the sight was for a start.  
  
The image was seared into my brain from now until, well until I found something more disgusting to replace it. I would give you a description but I think you can live without it. Trust me, what I saw was enough to stop me eating for days. No, on second thoughts, forever.  
  
Looks like I'll be losing the weight I want to then, I thought before taking off on a mad run through the forest as my cries had made all the spiders look up to see what had interrupted them. "I am not going to be dessert!" I declared under my breath praying that I would get away from this.  
  
There was no way on Middle Earth that things could get in any way, shape or form worse, I decided as I dashed back through the clearing where Sarah had met her end.  
  
Idiot.  
  
***************************  
  
This just gets worse and worse! And who rescued me? And why? And will I ever escape this bloomin' forest? Who knows? R&R please! 


	15. Faster

Do. Not. Own. LOTR.  
  
Faster  
  
And after that thought what did I run into but a very large group of orcs. Yep, that's right, orcs. Big fuck off mess with me and I'll chop off your head after torturing you for hours for fun orcs. Marvellous.  
  
The fact that I was still alive was basically that they were stunned by me running smack bang into their leader and knocking him off his feet. I managed to regain my balance and gazed blearily at the figures before me.  
  
"Oh Shit." I took off running again. Now with orcs and spiders chasing me. This was not looking good. Not looking good at all.  
  
***  
  
Of course, you may be wondering why I was running around the forest blindly, what with the whole maps in the back of the books thing. Simple. Have you ever tried reading a map in the back of a paper book whilst it's raining, you're trying to avoid running into any trees and running for your life? It is not a wise idea. Not if you want to survive anyway.  
  
Talking of surviving I still didn't know who shot the arrow. Part of me was grateful for not meeting my death by spider, the rest was too busy concentrating on how to survive what was happening to me now. Which was understandably far more important.  
  
***  
  
And so I ran. I didn't care where I was going to end up. Palace, edge of the forest, hell even Mordor seemed like a better place to be than where I was right now. I mean, it's not as if there were many more things that could be chasing me around Mirkwood. Hang on a minute... Where did Smaug live again? Now that really would be bad.  
  
"No dragons. Got that? NO DRAGONS!" I shouted up to the sky as I continued my mad dash through the forest. "And what happened to the no rain I demanded earlier?" I puffed.  
  
And as I did, magically it stopped raining. Hooray! No more rain. About time too! All I needed now was to wish away the orcs and spiders and then I'd find a way out of this hellhole. I paused for breath. BIG mistake.  
  
***  
  
The sounds of my pursuers came perilously close. My breath was heaving, my sides aching and oh yeah in case you forgot, my ankle was threatening to go out on strike for all the grief I had caused it. I sighed and set off running as best I could.  
  
And then, there it was! The Palace! Right in front of me! I was sure there would be someone to welcome my arrival. Hey if I was lucky perhaps Aragorn would be there for the wedding! Perhaps he'd been the one to save me!  
  
My mind wandered as I considered Aragorn and what was obviously to my mind at least, his actions. He, of course felt that nothing he had could tempt me, the mysterious and beautiful maiden who haunted his dreams, and so had left me in the web. Ashamed that he could never match my perfection. And that he was doomed to spend his life alone. Mourning the fact that though he loved me, he could never have me. I brightened. I would just have to change his mind wouldn't I?  
  
And with that thought I headed for the Palace, noting the still smoking remains of the dungeons. Obviously the rain had put out my fire far more effectively than anything the elves had come up with.  
  
As I ran towards where there seemed to be noise, I glanced down self consciously at what I was wearing. I looked like a monster from the deep. Ah well, I comforted myself with the fact that Aragorn would see past my outward appearance and see my inner beauty. And would then sweep me off my feet and back to Gondor to be his Queen. Cool. I never wanted to be a mere Princess anyway. I grinned, ignoring the sounds of the orcs and spiders behind me. Soon, they'd all be dead and I'd be adored by all the people in the land. Who needed elves anyway? They always look perfect.  
  
"It's enough to give a poor girl a complex." I commented as I jogged the distance to where there seemed to be a large gathering. "I mean, what's with that. You know, good looks, immortal, extra sensitive to EVERYTHING... I don't think that's fair. What do you think?" I asked, looking up at the sky.  
  
And then I ran a heck of a lot faster as arrows began to rain down on me from the orcs who had obviously got within firing distance. Yet again it seemed that I was running for my life. Oh well, not to worry, I'll be safe with Aragorn. He'll be out here rescuing me soon! I noted with satisfaction.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*******************************  
  
And I will admit to really enjoying writing that chapter. Seems my sense of humour is far more twisted at 2:17am. Whatever. And yes, Faster is actually the title of a song. I thought it was quite apt for this chapter no?  
  
The bit with maps is for the reviewer who asked why I didn't just read them and figure out which way to go. My sense of direction is rubbish at the best of times (and that is putting it very mildly) and I really wouldn't like having to figure out where the heck I was from those maps...  
  
Anyway - I'm off for some food. Yep I'm hungry - I live at odd times. (wo)man cannot live on reviews alone y'know! But they do make me feel good - so R&R please! 


	16. White Wedding

Still. not. owner. of. Lotr. Dammit.  
  
White Wedding  
  
I was still running. Aiming for the mass of people (or elves, or whatever) that seemed to be massed outside the Palace. If of course I had thought about it the reason for them being there would have been obvious. Unfortunately, like the imbecile I am, such a thought had not yet crossed my mind. All I was intent on was getting away from the things that were chasing me...  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
The grounds were filled with nobles of all races. All were united for this ceremony, putting aside petty grievances, many that had lasted more than a millennia. Orcs and elves, dwarves and hobbits, men and uruk-hai, wizards and ringwraiths, nobles and peasants, enemies and friends, all were here to celebrate. The ceremony was already well underway.  
  
A voice penetrated the grounds, loud and clear. "... if any here know why these two should not be joined together in matrimony for all eternity, speak now or forever hold your peace..."  
  
The crowds held a collective breath. Never in the history of Middle Earth had there been a joining like the joining of these two, when suddenly...  
  
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP!"  
  
I ran in, right down the aisle, looking like some hideous mud monster and being chased by some seriously pissed looking orcs and very hungry spiders. Not perhaps my best entrance ever, but it did rank as one of my most dramatic.  
  
***  
  
The elves had, somewhat unsurprisingly thought they were under attack. The wedding being used as a decoy. Which made them turn on the dwarves. The dwarves hotly denied this and pointed out that the elves were known for their truce with the spiders.  
  
Consequently the dwarves claimed that it was an elvish conspiracy. The spiders and orcs having had arrows aimed at them from the confused elves fought back, and then fought between the two after one spider tried to eat an orc. As you do. And Princess Legolas was in floods of tears. Oops.  
  
Then suddenly someone remembered my presence. That someone who answered to the name of Veborion.  
  
"It is a conspiracy of Men!" He declared. Silence descended onto all those who were arguing.  
  
"Men!" Came a voice from behind me. "You blame the race of Men for this?"  
  
I glanced up at the man who strode angrily towards Veborion and noted his appearance. Sword, crown - ah, that'll be Aragorn then.  
  
"She is of the race of Men!" Veborion said as he pointed at me. I smiled weakly. Veborion continued, "You are trying to divide the friendship between the elves and dwarves. And you are using her to do it! You men were always jealous of the harmony between us and the dwarves. It is part of a plot to overthrow the elves!"  
  
The grounds went back into uproar. Everyone was shouting.  
  
Me? I did the only logical thing I could do in the circumstances. Veborion had wound me up way too much. Now he was claiming I was part of a plot to overthrow the elves? That was it. 9 years of pacifism went right down the drain. I walked over to his smiling, smug arrogant elf face and mustered up all the strength I had left.  
  
Then I said the only line that seemed appropriate in the circumstances. "Never trust an elf!" I pulled back my arm, aiming for his face, and punched him. Hard.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*****************************  
  
Looks like the wedding's off folks. Oops. R&R please.  
  
Please?  
  
Come on.  
  
You know you want to!  
  
The button, dammit!  
  
Press the button! 


	17. Take On Me

Still. not. owner. of. Lotr. What. a. surprise.  
  
Take On Me  
  
I caught Veborion off balance which was why he stumbled and fell over. Good move! I inwardly cheered. Well, at least until he pulled his bow from his shoulder and ripped an arrow from his quiver and aimed at the centre of my forehead.  
  
I would have been impressed by his reflexes and worried about the arrow if I wasn't still so pissed. I strode purposely forward and knocked the arrow away from him. Now he had wound me up he was going to suffer. Big Time. I did what I knew would hurt him and his overly large ego and grabbed him by the ear.  
  
"Now then Elfy boy. You are gonna listen to me. Gorrit?"  
  
Veborion winced as I clenched his ear tighter and shook it vigorously back and forth. His whole head swaying violently with the motion.  
  
"Good. Now then, contrary to what you may think you know. I am not, repeat NOT part of some conspiracy to take over the elves. I am, however, extremely pissed at you and your ridiculous accusations and I want an apology. Gorrit?"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"I didn't hear you. Say it again."  
  
"SORRY." Veborion shouted as I shook his head harder for effect.  
  
"Good."  
  
***  
  
Well, at least it felt good for that moment. I should have been paying attention to what was going on behind me. Moments after Veborion's apology I was surrounded by enraged elves, including one Princess Legolas who was now hysterical at me interrupting her wedding.  
  
"Look, I am really sorry honest."  
  
"You! You ruined the happiest day of my life!"  
  
"I said I was sorry..."  
  
"...How could you do this to me? How could you do this to Gimli?"  
  
I cringed. Talk about feeling like the lowest cretin on the planet. Saying sorry really didn't make up for ruining anyone's wedding. And boy, did I know it.  
  
"...This was meant to be historic..." Legolas was still raving.  
  
"I'm really sorry. Honest..." Now I was getting annoyed. I know, I know, when your wedding's off it's probably bad but I could only say sorry so many times.  
  
"...And the cake was really lovely, and the bridesmaids dresses and the little pageboys..."  
  
"Look..." I was getting exasperated. I am not the best when it comes to people skills, and it was at this moment when my patience completely ran out. "... I SAID I WAS SORRY. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT WOMAN?!"  
  
Silence enveloped the room. Legolas recoiled from me before taking a deep breath. She took a moment to compose herself before answering.  
  
"Well," She paused glaring down at me, " I suppose we could start with your head. GUARDS!"  
  
"Damn." I muttered. "Ask a stupid question..."  
  
The guards advanced menacingly towards me.  
  
Idiot.  
  
**********************************  
  
How's this for the next chapter? R&R please! 


	18. Livin' On The Edge.

Much love going out to ALL my reviewers! It really does make my day! Lotr. Not. Mine... Pity.  
  
Livin' On The Edge.  
  
I gulped. This looked bad. I watched as the elven guards advanced on me. Now would be a decent moment for someone or indeed something to save me. Nothing happened, as usual. Looks like I'm left to my own devices again, I noted sourly. Hmm. Right then, I wonder how bright these elves really are...  
  
"Please, I'm sorry, don't hurt me..." I babbled. "I didn't mean to upset you Princess. Honest. And my head isn't really worthy of the effort of chopping it off, plus I'd kinda miss it, y'know?"  
  
The guards continued on their slow advance in my direction.  
  
"Please, look I am really really sorry..." I trailed off, time to put my plan into action. "And y'know, I'm not worth the effort, honest, and, and... MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?" I cried, pointing and staring at something behind all the wedding guests.  
  
Instinctively the entire congregation of the ceremony, plus the uninvited guests that had followed me to the wedding swung around to see what I was staring at.  
  
They fell for the oldest trick in the book. And I did the first sensible thing I had done since my arrival in Middle Earth. I ran as fast as I could in the other direction.  
  
***  
  
And I continued running. Amazingly, nothing seemed to have followed me. After a good ooh five minutes of hard running I was exhausted. Hey, come on, I've been running for my life off and on constantly since my arrival in Middle Earth and my energy levels had hit a new all time low. I stopped and collapsed next to a convenient tree trunk.  
  
"Sod the spiders, orcs, elves and whatever else you may have in store for me, including a severely pissed Princess, but I happen to be tired." I commented to the sky. "And I think I deserve a bit of a rest!" With that I opened up my bag, pulled out a packet of crisps and a bar of chocolate and proceeded to stuff myself full of very bad for me snack food.  
  
"Chocolate and crisps." I mused with my mouth full. "Nothing tastes as good as chocolate and crisps. Together. Both flavours mixed in the mouth at once. Call me weird, but this is my idea of heaven. Definitely."  
  
***  
  
I stayed munching for quite some time. Eventually I began to get a little nervous. The forest seemed too quiet. Ever since my arrival something was happening and now silence. It was playing on my nerves.  
  
Another problem was the onset of night. I hadn't bargained on camping out when I was planning my trip. I figured I'd be safely ensconced in the Palace by nightfall and consequently had left out such essentials as well, everything you need for camping out. I considered this to be something of a serious oversight on my part.  
  
"The question is," I said looking up at the darkening sky, "Do I stay here and try and bed down for the night, or do I try my extremely bad luck and go elsewhere? And have I gone completely insane talking up at the sky?" I said suddenly realising what I was doing. "Whatever. Hmm. I think I'll move."  
  
***  
  
Some time later I arrived back at yep, you've guessed it, the Palace. It was eerily quiet. Too quiet, just like the forest. Shifting my bag around on my back and cursing my stupidity at bringing my entire nail varnish collection and being too damn attached to them to chuck them out in the forest I made my way closer to the Palace.  
  
I had decided to do possibly the most stupid thing I had done since embarking on my adventure. In fact considering it was so doomed to failure it was remarkable that I'd got this far. Indeed, it was remarkable that such an idea had occurred to me at all, I mean, ok I'm not the brightest creature but this? It was beyond stupid. Words cannot describe how stupid my plan was. But I was tired, and when I'm tired all logical thought flees because I need sleep.  
  
Let me give you an example. I am the only person I know who has been to a summer dance festival and slept through most of it. Not through overindulgence of anything, but because I was tired. Regardless that the music was loud enough to burst your eardrums and people were dancing madly around me, I slept through it. All of it. I even had people step over my face and I still slept through it. Understand? When I need sleep I cease to function as a relatively normal, sane (well I like to think so at least) person. Which is probably why I had come up with my plan and it had seemed like such a good idea when I thought of it.  
  
After wandering around for some time I found exactly what I wanted. I sank down to sleep with little thought of what danger tomorrow would bring.  
  
"Sod it, I'll worry about it tomorrow." I muttered as sleep finally overcame me.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*******************************************  
  
The bit about the festival is true. I have no shame. Bad me. R&R please! 


	19. Dream A Little Dream Of Me.

Lotr. Not. Mine... Would. Make. Nice. Present. Though. Hint. Hint.  
  
Dream A Little Dream Of Me  
  
"Mmmm." I started to come around. Nice and warm. "What an awful dream. I dreamt I went to Middle Earth and met Princess Legolas!" I murmured as I began to come around. I opened one eye. Then I closed it. Then I opened both eyes and shot up out of my bed.  
  
Correction, not 'my' bed. Not my room either. Realisation hit me. "Fuck me I went and slept in the Palace! Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, how the hell am I going to get out of this one? What on earth possessed me? There's no way I'm getting out of this one in one piece or alive."  
  
My muttered panicked speech was interrupted by a groan. "Oh fuck." I whispered as I glanced back at the bed. There appeared to be someone else in the bed. The bed that I had just slept in.  
  
I glanced down at my clothes, remembering that I had changed out of my filthy garments late last night. I gave an inward sigh of relief when I realised that I was still dressed. "Thank God." I muttered, "This adventure is screwed up enough without me shagging some unknown creature."  
  
I realised that I had been so tired the night before that I had collapsed into the first bed I found. Not caring to notice that it was already occupied. Fortunately it seemed they hadn't noticed me and I wanted to keep it that way.  
  
I decided that the best course of action was to leave. And quickly. I made for the door and opened it risking a backward glance at the figure still sleeping soundly in the bed. They seemed to be asleep. I sighed with relief and turned to make my way out of the room.  
  
Unfortunately my sense of humour found something amazingly funny about the predicament I was escaping from and I found myself babbling a long forgotten beer advert.  
  
"Time for a sharp exit. Time for a cool sharp Harp!" I clamped my mouth shut realising that I was swiftly becoming hysterical. "Pull yourself together girl!" I whispered fiercely to myself, "Now is not the time to fall apart!"  
  
I stepped out of the room. Then I stopped as I noticed two feet right in front of mine. My gaze travelled up to face a very beautiful and very, very angry female elf. Not Legolas. Well, that was a start.  
  
"Now is the time to fall apart." I said aloud realising I had been caught. I didn't know just how right I was.  
  
***  
  
"So, what exactly were you doing in my husband-to-be's bedroom?" The elf asked.  
  
"Ahh." Just my luck! I cringed. Was I destined to mess up every elf in Mirkwood's private life? I wondered.  
  
"Well? Nothing to say? Perhaps we should ask him then, yes?"  
  
I was confused. Why hadn't she called the guards yet? Then it hit me. Yesterday I had looked like some creature out of a mud pit. Last night I had managed to clean myself up and change out of my clothes. She hadn't recognised me yet. "Well, thank the Valar for something." I muttered silently, "As long as no one recognises me, I should be okay." I heaved a sigh of relief. Looks like I'll be keeping my head a little while longer. I noted smugly.  
  
***  
  
"Or maybe not." I said sourly. "Fucking hell. It had to be you." I said managing to infuse some of the disgust I felt for the elf who had just got up out of bed into what I had said. Well, who else could it be? Yes, you've guessed. Ver-fucking-borion. Joy.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*************************************  
  
I spent the night with him! And I didn't kill him! But will he put himself out of his misery and kill me? R&R please! 


	20. Don't Speak.

Love to the reviewers! You keep me going! Lotr. Mine!!!!!!!!!!!!! Joke.  
  
Don't Speak.  
  
He looked at me. I looked at him. And his wife to be glared at us both. For a moment he didn't recognise me. And then, he did.  
  
"YOU!"  
  
"Yes, me." I answered, sullenly.  
  
"YOU!"  
  
"Yes. Me."  
  
"YOU!"  
  
"YES. ME."  
  
"YOU!"  
  
"YES! ME!"  
  
"YOU!"  
  
"I think we've established this already. Can we move on?"  
  
"Yes, I think we should move on." Said another voice. Female, same room, ahh, that'll be his wife to be then my brain pointed out. "So Veborion, your 'friend' refused to answer me when I asked. Can you tell me what she was doing creeping out of your room this morning?"  
  
"She was here? In my room?"  
  
"Yes, she was leaving your bedroom when I saw her. What exactly was she doing?"  
  
For once Veborion was lost for words. He cringed as his wife to be ranted and raved at him. And I was loving every minute of it.  
  
***  
  
I made myself comfortable on a chair as I watched and listened to her tirade. This was the most fun I'd had since, well, since a very long time. I was thoroughly enjoying myself. Until she turned on me.  
  
"How could you Veborion? With that, that... She'd not even pretty! Or blonde! Or..."  
  
"Hey! I am still here y'know!" I cried. Ok I'll admit I'm not drop dead gorgeous, but it's not very nice to have it pointed out. Particularly within your hearing.  
  
Her only response was a flick of hair immaculate hair before continuing her annihilation of me. "Look at you! And then look at me. You are nothing compared to me."  
  
I looked at myself. And then at her. And then I wished I hadn't. What she said hurt. But I wasn't giving up without a fight.  
  
"For your information I am a natural blonde. I just dye it darker because I prefer it."  
  
She snorted in response.  
  
"And anyway, there's no accounting for taste."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Well it's obvious innit. He prefers me to you."  
  
"WHAT?!" She was stunned, but recovered quickly. "There is no way he could prefer you to me. You are not even an elf! You are of the race of men!" She sneered.  
  
"Ours is a forbidden love." I murmured batting my eyelashes in Veborion's direction.  
  
***  
  
Veborion had remained silent throughout our exchange but at this he got up from the chair he had been sitting in and made his way closer towards us intent on speaking the truth.  
  
"Hush love." I said covering his mouth with my hand and shoving him down so that he ended up sitting on the edge of the bed, his back turned towards the other elf. He looked furious.  
  
I remembered something I had once read in a fan fiction story. The evil part of my brain silently cackled with laughter. If I was destined to screw up his relationship with this elf, I was going to do it properly. I just hoped what I had read was true. Something about elves confessing their undying love beneath the stars? Only one way to find out, I thought, and even if it's wrong it'll be a laugh.  
  
"Last night," I began, Veborion began to struggle to free himself from my grip. I held him tighter and began again. "Last night we declared our love for each other beneath the stars and wed."  
  
Veborion stopped struggling in disbelief and his wife to be took one look at the two of us taking in the adoring way I was gazing at Veborion before running out of the door and slamming it behind her. I grinned, glad that she had been unable to see Veborion's face as he had had his back to her. If she had she would have seen what he really thought of me and it was not nice. Not nice at all. Which was just at the moment I realised that I was all alone in the room with him. And he was between me and the door. Oops.  
  
Idiot.  
  
***************************  
  
Argh! I had to write this out twice after the computer screwed it up! And it was funnier the first time. Grr. Poor Veborion's wife to be. Will she be back? Who knows. R&R please! 


	21. Paid In Full.

Me? Lotr? I fear you flatter me dear reader. I'm not that good. Yet.  
  
Paid In Full.  
  
Veborion raised an eyebrow at me before speaking. "I suppose," He spat, "You thought that was funny."  
  
"It had it's amusing moments."  
  
"Really."  
  
"She asked for it."  
  
"In what way did she 'ask for it'." He queried moving over to where I was standing.  
  
"She shouldn't have insulted me! I AM a natural blonde. Which is more than could be said for her."  
  
"Really." He repeated.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I will kill you slowly. I will get more pleasure from it that way." He stated matter of factly.  
  
"Fine. Whatever."  
  
***  
  
Yes I knew I was digging the hole deeper, but right at that moment I really didn't care. Hell, I was gonna end up dying in some horrible manner in Middle Earth eventually, so I figured that I may as well fuck up as much of it as a sort of revenge first y'know? Hence the rather enjoyable baiting of Veborion.  
  
Yes I knew he could torture me, yes I knew he probably would torture me, but hey I was sick and tired of running and it was all down to him that I was in this mess in the first place. Well, him and his sister but I'd already ruined her wedding so I figured her debt to me was already paid. I'm not one to bear a grudge. Well, not much anyway. Veborion however was another story entirely.  
  
***  
  
"Do you know you smell?"  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"I said, do you know you smell? Smell bad that is. Didn't you have a wash yesterday?"  
  
Veborion mumbled something as he finished tying me to a chair in his room.  
  
"Take it from me, you REALLY need a wash. DO you want me to pass out before you have a chance to torture me? It'll take out the whole fun element y'know."  
  
Veborion glared as he made his way to a door, obviously his bedroom came with en-suite facilities.  
  
"The perks of being royal eh?" I asked as he opened the door, "They don't have those down in the dungeons."  
  
Veborion turned and sent an icy glare in my direction. "DO. NOT. MOVE." He said before shutting the door behind him.  
  
***  
  
I spent the first five minutes trying to get free. Then I remembered. The rope. It was made by the elves. And therefore wasn't going to undo anytime soon. "Damn!" I muttered. I tried to move the chair only to discover it was very very heavy. I did managed to rock it though. "Good stuff!" I exclaimed, before yelling loudly as the chair toppled over and I ended up lying face down on the floor with the chair pinning me there.  
  
Veborion burst through the door clad in only a small towel. Under the impression I was trying to escape I noted sourly. Damn, I thought as I surveyed him from my somewhat uncomfortable position on the floor, that elf sure does look good in almost nothing. Better if it was absolutely nothing though. Hmm. My mind trailed off as I realised he was laughing. At me.  
  
"Stop laughing and help me!" I cried.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because, hello? I'm dying under here. Wouldn't want to deprive you of the opportunity of giving me an even more unpleasant death now would we?"  
  
Veborion carried on laughing as he lifted up the chair with me still attached with no effort at all. He carried on laughing as he went back to the other room. I felt totally humiliated. He was laughing at me! Bastard. My ego was now in shreds on the floor. And my self esteem lay there with it. It was right about that moment that I realised that I utterly hated him.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*********************************  
  
So he hasn't killed me yet. Ah well, there's still time. R&R please! 


	22. Underwater Love.

Not owning it. You know it. I know it. So don't even ask.  
  
Underwater Love.  
  
"Bastard!" I cried. "Scum! Filth! Low Life Creep!"  
  
Yes that's right. I was shouting insults. At the door. The door between me and Veborion. He was still laughing and I was reduced to insulting a piece of wood. I was not happy.  
  
Eventually the door opened. Veborion was washed and dressed. Damn! A small part of my brain commented on the fully clothed elf. We want only the towel! The rest of me glowered at him.  
  
Veborion looked down at me debating what he should do first. Then he walked over to me and untied the ropes. For a moment I considered struggling and then decided that it was undignified. Also pointless as he was far stronger than I am and I had already humiliated myself enough times in front of him without adding any more.  
  
"Wash." He said eventually.  
  
Wash? Was this some new form of torture I had yet to hear about? Was it like a form of water torture? Like the one where they drip water onto your forehead for hours slowly driving you mad? I hoped not.  
  
"Wash." He repeated, pulling me out of the chair and making me stand. He glared at me as I stood there and then pointed to his en suite bathroom. Was he serious?  
  
"You want me to wash?" I asked wondering what the hell had come over him.  
  
"Yes. Wash. Yourself. In there. Now."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You need one."  
  
Well at least he was more tactful than I had been telling him he smelt, but was this a cover for some ulterior motive?  
  
"No." I answered finally. Better to be safe than sorry, I thought regardless of how good looking he is.  
  
"Fine." He answered.  
  
And then he picked me up and carried me into the other room, before dropping me fully dressed into a large bath full of glorious hot water and leaving the room, locking the door behind him.  
  
***  
  
First off I looked for a way of escape. There were none. No proper windows, only slats to let light into the room. If I was in the mood I could have appreciated the genius of it. I wasn't. I wanted escape via a nice big window, not merely tiny slats to let plenty of light in but no one out. And only one door into the room. The door that was locked, with Veborion behind it. Cautiously I began to pull off my clothes and enjoyed the sensations of the best bath I had had in ages.  
  
"Elves," I murmured to myself as I washed myself with the soap provided, "Know how to make the best baths. This is heaven."  
  
I was serious. The bath was deep. Deeper than a normal bath. I was virtually swimming in it. And it felt good. Finally after a very long soak I decided that I would get out and face the elf who's behaviour towards me had changed somewhat drastically. Perhaps he's fallen madly in love with me, the optimistic side of my brain mused. And then the realistic side burst out laughing. Yeah right. As if. His bride to be was right. I am nothing compared to her.  
  
And on that sobering thought I wrapped one of the very large and very fluffy towels around me and another smaller one around my hair. My clothes were still soaking on the floor. Joy! I thought wryly, Veborion gets to see me pretty much naked anyway. Let's see exactly how well he resists my 'charms'.  
  
***  
  
When I tried the door I found to my surprise it was unlocked. I crept into the bedroom, unsure of what I would find.  
  
"There are clothes for you on the bed." Said Veborion who was steadfastly gazing out of the window and completely ignoring my appearance.  
  
"Didn't find it too hard then." I muttered to myself answering my own question about my 'charms'. For a moment he almost turned to face me, before fixing his gaze back on something outside.  
  
I slowly got dressed. The clothes that were provided were too big for me. They looked like a male elf's.  
  
"Are these yours?" I asked before I had even realised it.  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh. Thank you."  
  
***  
  
After I had dressed Veborion finally got up and wandered over to a table where food lay prepared.  
  
"Eat." He said gesturing to one of the chairs that was next to the table.  
  
I sat down and helped myself, as did he. The food actually lived up to all expectations. The stories about elven food being delicious? It's all true. As I ate I stole glances at Veborion. His face remained the same throughout breakfast. No emotion.  
  
I finished before he did and after taking a fortifying sip of water (and inwardly wishing it was vodka) and picking on a piece of fruit, I asked the question that had been playing on my mind since the morning. No not why he was doing all of this for me, something far more important.  
  
"Er... What's your bride to be's name?"  
  
Veborion glanced up, his face inscrutable. He looked back down at his food before answering. "Her name is Sindaringevardaanwen."  
  
Sindaringevardaanwen? Fucking hell. And I thought my parents didn't like me. "Oh. That's nice." I said in possibly the most insincere voice ever. And for a moment I pitied her. Okay she was prettier, taller, blonder (although I swear it was dyed) immortal and altogether better than me, but hey - at least I had a name that was less than five syllables. Middle Earth names suck.  
  
Veborion noticed my silence. "Eat up." He said. "You will need all the strength you can get."  
  
"Why?" I queried as he pulled me out of my musings on the unfortunate names parents give their children.  
  
"Because I intend to torture you. It will be no fun if you do not have the energy to last."  
  
And suddenly I didn't feel like eating any more of my piece of fruit or anything else for that matter either. And here I deluded myself with the thought he was being nice to me for a good reason I fumed.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*************************************  
  
Slightly longer than usual. I'm off to bed. It's 3:33am! Night all! R&R please! 


	23. Suspicious Minds.

Hmm. Questions. Want Answers? Yes I am British. As for Sindaringevardaanwen I got her name from an elven name generator on the barrowdowns website (whose address I can't remember). It's a mixture of a couple of different names of people I don't like. I am very shallow. Still not owning anything and thankyou thankyou thankyou for all the lovely reviews!  
  
Suspicious Minds.  
  
Finally after what seemed like an eternity Veborion finished his meal. Wiping his mouth with his napkin, he gazed at me before getting up and offering me his hand. I took it and he hauled me up out my chair and we walked towards the door.  
  
Any thoughts I had on escape vanished in the vice-like grip that Veborion's hand had on mine. In an alternate reality, I mused, I would actually be pleased that he was holding my hand. But then in that reality he wouldn't be carting me off to be tortured would he?  
  
"Prince!" A voice called.  
  
Veborion swung around swiftly to see who addressed him. I was unprepared for such a sudden action and ended up half flying and half falling. Which resulted with me ending up on the floor.  
  
"Prince Veborion!" The voice called again. Eventually an out of breath courtier or so I assumed appeared around the corner.  
  
"Prince Veborion." The elf came to a halt in front of Veborion. He gave a small bow before continuing his message. "Your father requests your presence at your earliest convenience."  
  
Veborion swore. I guessed it was swearing as that was all he seemed to do around me. He pulled me up from my semi collapsed on the floor state. "Here." He held out my arm that he held to the elf who had brought the message. "Hold her." He said curtly.  
  
The elf took my hand uncertainly, looking at Veborion as though unsure what he should do with me. "Do not let her go. I have business with her. Keep her until I return." He set off in the direction that the elf had come from before stopping suddenly as though a thought had occurred to him. "If she tries to escape, you have my permission to kill her." And with that he rounded the corner and disappeared.  
  
***  
  
The elf had sat down still holding my hand. He glared at me before retreating into his own little world.  
  
"'Hold her.'" He mimicked abruptly. "'Do not let her go. You have my permission to kill her.'"  
  
I looked up at the elf slightly disturbed by what he was saying. He looked a little strange.  
  
"'Hold her' indeed! As if I do not have more important things to worry about." He glared down at me. I was sitting uncomfortably on the floor as there was only one chair and the elf was sitting in it. He waited still glaring at me, obviously he expected some kind of answer.  
  
"Sorry, 'bout all this." I mumbled.  
  
"'Sorry'. Is that all you can say?" He asked angrily.  
  
"Err..." I was stumped. What was I supposed to say to him? But then my mouth ran away from me before I could stop it. "Don't you like Veborion then?" I blurted, and then cringed as I realised what I had just said.  
  
To my surprise the elf answered, but with a question of his own. "What 'business' does he have with you?"  
  
"Torture." I said.  
  
"He intends to torture you?"  
  
"Well, yes. I think. That's what he's been promising himself for some time now. Well, ever since he met me, actually..." I trailed off.  
  
"In which case I shall answer you. No I do not like Prince Veborion. He is..."  
  
"A stuck up arrogant low life stupid brainless egotistical creepy prat?" I supplied helpfully.  
  
"He is my cousin."  
  
"Bollocks." I muttered almost silently. "Put my foot in it again."  
  
"He is next in line to the throne, thanks to his father." He spat viciously. "It should be me."  
  
"Okaaaay..." Now the strange elf was getting all weird on me. He was visibly shaking from what I guessed was rage. And I was stuck all alone with him. I did not like the look of this. At least with the Prince I knew what he intended to do to me. Veborion, where the hell are you? I shouted silently inside my head.  
  
"And his sister..." He sneered, "His sister wished to marry a dwarf. I was never more pleased when the wedding was interrupted. How I wish I could give the creature who interrupted my thanks..."  
  
"Well, you can." I said quickly, I continued seeing him about to embark on another rant, "It was me. I interrupted it."  
  
"You?" He asked suspiciously.  
  
"Yeah. I was running away from the spiders and orcs." I paused for a breath before going on, "That's the reason Veborion wants to torture me. For stopping his sister's wedding."  
  
"Really? How very convenient." The elf drawled. "Perhaps, yes, perhaps a truce is in order. Between me and you."  
  
"How so?" I asked warily, not particularly wanting to get involved in anything with this mad elf.  
  
"I could make it worth your while. Your life for his?"  
  
Oh shit, now I really was in BIG trouble. Should I accept and get the hell out of here in one piece, but in doing so condemn Veborion to death? Or should I do the honourable thing and try and manage to escape some other way?  
  
"Well? Quickly!" He hissed as he sensed someone approaching.  
  
I made up my mind. Well here goes everything my brain declared as I opened my mouth.  
  
"I accept. A truce it is."  
  
He smirked at me while I wondered what the hell I was condemning myself to.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*************************  
  
Ooooooh! Suddenly a plot appears! Don't know where that came from. *glances over shoulder suspiciously* R&R please! 


	24. Mysterious Ways.

Flippin' plot bunny. Now I have far too many ideas and no clue as to how they're going to work. *frowns in annoyance* hmm. Still not mine and thanks for the reviews! And this title came to me whilst the song was playing! There's a first for ya!  
  
Mysterious Ways.  
  
Now you may all be wondering what the heck I was doing agreeing with this mad elf to try and bump off the crown Prince of Mirkwood. Quite simple really, I was keeping my options open. If Veborion really did carry out his threat of torture well then quite frankly I had absolutely no problem with him ending up dead. Heartless? Probably, but then I didn't think that torture was something that could be easily forgiven or forgotten.  
  
If he didn't, or if this mad elf was more evil than Veborion then I would turn him and his sinister plans over to Veborion. Simple yet brilliant. Well, as long as no one realised that I was intending to play both sides. Intrigue and double dealing was not something I had much practise of I mused as I sat on the floor besides the mad elf.  
  
But then again... I am a woman! My brain exclaimed excitedly. This should be no problem! All that training in school and work, back stabbing, bitching, whispers about others... All I have to deal with is elves, male elves at that. As long as they're as gullible as the human males this should be no problem at all. And hey, if it doesn't work I'll only end up being tortured - which is where I was going anyway. It was a win win situation!  
  
***  
  
Several elves had passed us in the corridor, most completely ignoring us although I did get a few nasty looks from some of the female elves, which puzzled me for a while until I remembered. Sindaringevardaanwen. Whose name I still couldn't get over. I'm really gonna have to abbreviate her name, I thought to myself, it's just waaay too much. Hmm.  
  
"Sindy!" I said suddenly. Then I cracked up laughing, much to the consternation of the elf who looked down at me bewildered. "Sindy...Doll!" I collapsed helplessly on the floor memories of a long forgotten childhood obsession with 'sindy dolls'.  
  
***  
  
By the time Veborion came back around the corner I was lying on the floor helplessly laughing. Tears rolling non-stop down my face. I was banging my fist against the floor, hysterically.  
  
"What is this, Thingaladion?" He asked the elf he had left guarding me, gesturing at me as I rolled around the floor shaking with laughter.  
  
Thingaladion, or Mr I am plotting to overthrow the throne of Mirkwood and yes I am a slightly mad elf, merely shrugged in answer.  
  
"What is wrong with you?" Veborion hissed pulling me up by the arm that Thingaladion had just let go of.  
  
"Sindy. DOLL!" I shouted in his face, still laughing madly.  
  
"Her brain must have turned. She is insane." A courtier behind Veborion suggested.  
  
"It matters not. She will be tortured anyway. Although it would have been preferable if she were not in this state. This takes away some of the fun element."  
  
"Sadistic bastard." I said. His words had sobered me up and it seemed like I would be choosing Thingaladion over Veborion. What a pity, my brain muttered, Thingaladion is nowhere near as gorgeous as Veborion.  
  
"Will you just shut up?" I said aloud, "I'm sick and tired of you telling me that! I can appreciate beauty just as much as the next gal, y'know?!"  
  
The elves looked at me strangely. And I realised I had been telling off my own brain. As you do.  
  
"Maybe I am insane." I muttered under my breath, slightly disturbed by the fact that I was having an argument with myself and losing. Yeah, I was losing. Because as soon as the words were out of my mouth my brain answered back.  
  
Beauty? My brain questioned. Liar. More like lust. Admit it. You want the towel. Or less.  
  
I groaned. What the hell was going on with me? I had agreed to help assassinate the heir to the throne of Mirkwood and I was lusting after him at the same time, and I was having arguments with my head and not winning.  
  
"I've lost it." I said, more to myself than anyone else.  
  
"I do not think you had it in the first place." Said a voice almost silently.  
  
My head whipped around to see who was talking to me. But no one seemed to be paying any attention to me whatsoever. I groaned again, louder this time. "Hearing voices? Marvellous. All I need now is hairs on my palms." I muttered.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*********************************  
  
Hmm. may go against my own rule of only using an artist once for a song title. Depends if I can write a chapter to suit the title of another U2 song. We'll see. R&R please!  
  
Anyone confused by Sindy Dolls? They're like Barbies, only not as popular. 


	25. Chains.

Still not mine. More's the pity. Have written this chapter about 3 times and am still not 100% happy with it. Ah well, onwards & upwards!  
  
Chains.  
  
After walking me down numerous corridors, each seeming to go deeper and darker within the Palace, Veborion finally stopped outside a door.  
  
"Inside." He said shoving me forwards as he pushed open the door.  
  
The darkness of the room meant that I could see nothing. I couldn't even see my hand which I was waving in front of my face as an experiment to see how far forward I could see. It was pitch black.  
  
"Hmm. So much for elves and dwarves having nothing in common." I muttered.  
  
"What do you mean!" Demanded Veborion as he grabbed my arm. Obviously the elf had no problem with seeing in the dark.  
  
"Eat lots of carrots do you?" I asked.  
  
"Why do you ask?" Veborion asked, his grasp on my arm loosening as he tried to understand what I was talking about.  
  
"Well it's like a mine down here. Mines and dwarves. Mines. Dwarves. Get it?"  
  
Veborion snorted in response. "The carrots?" He queried.  
  
"Carrots are alleged to give you better night vision." I answered, remembering my parents futile attempts to get me to eat healthier when I was younger.  
  
"Ridiculous." He muttered as he walked back into the corridor closing the door firmly behind him.  
  
"Hey! Veborion! Where the hell do you think you're... Oh. "My voice trailed off as Veborion returned carrying a flickering torch from the corridor.  
  
Veborion ignored me and proceeded to light the torches within the room. I glanced around, looking at what the room was filled with.  
  
"Ahh. This'll be your torture chamber then, I take it?"  
  
***  
  
"Don't you have minions to do all this for you?" I asked as Veborion debated between various devices.  
  
"I will take more pleasure doing it myself." He answered as he made his choice over what I would have to endure first.  
  
"Are you trying to insult me?" I asked as Veborion began to chain me up to a wall. "I mean really!"  
  
Veborion's only answer was a glare as I rattled my chains at him.  
  
Half an hour later...  
  
"Is this the best you can do?" I sneered at him as he unchained me and tried something else. "The whole concept of torture is it's SUPPOSED to hurt."  
  
Forty minutes later...  
  
"I'm sorry, but quite honestly the darkness was more intimidating than this. This is pathetic."  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Y'know when I destroyed your dungeons - was there any equipment stored in them?"  
  
"No. This is all we have." He answered through clenched teeth.  
  
"The only thing I'll be dying of down here is BOREDOM!" I shouted, as Veborion tried yet another totally useless contraption on me.  
  
"SHUT. UP."  
  
"This is very embarrassing." I commented as Veborion attempted to try yet another torture device on me. "My first trip to a torture chamber and all I get is this?! I am deeply shamed."  
  
Veborion shot me a glare. If looks could kill I'd be dead five times over I thought amusedly. This was turning into quite an interesting trip.  
  
"Don't you have a rack? Or thumbscrews? Only chains? I'm sorry to say this Veborion but you really need to think about investing in some quality torture equipment."  
  
"What would you know about it?" He spat.  
  
"More than you think actually. I've got a book in the house on the history of torture. Very good it is too. Personal favourite being 'The Brazen Bull'. Suppose it's too much to hope you have one of them do you? No? Darn, I've always wondered what they were like." I paused before continuing. "This set up is really amateurish. I feel really let down y'know? There was you promising torture, which hey - is not really my choice but if you gotta go you gotta go right? And a real torture chamber!" I sighed. "Yet again my Middle Earth adventure sucks. It's just not fair!"  
  
Veborion looked at me as though I had gone totally insane. "You wanted to be tortured?" He asked incredulously, unsure of what was going on inside my mind.  
  
"Did I say that? No. But you were going to kill me anyway, and I'd always found it quite interesting and stuff..." I said trailing off as I saw the disbelieving look on his face. "I mean it's not like I actually like the idea of torture or anything, but... umm... well... I...er..."  
  
Veborion looked at me amazed and dropped the metal bar he was holding. "So tell me then," He said. "What is it you really fear?"  
  
"Honestly?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Hmm. Well." I paused and thought wondering how I was going to answer this one knowing full well Veborion would probably make me act upon my fear. "The thing I most fear is..."  
  
"Prince Veborion!" Came a voice from outside the room interrupting what I was about to say.  
  
And as Veborion walked towards the door I did one of the most stupid things I had done in some time. I ran to the door and shoved him aside before opening the door myself. Outside the door was an elf, who looked suspiciously like Thingaladion, with a dagger and he was lunging, aiming straight for me.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*********************  
  
Ooooooooh! What's going on?! Will I survive this one? Why did I open the door instead of Veborion? R&R please! Sorry for all those who thought I would be updating over the weekend - I've decided to take the weekends off for the moment - gather my ideas!  
  
'The Brazen Bull' was/is indeed a torture device. And not a very nice one either. If you are remotely squeamish I would advise you not to read my little explanation of what it actually is. And I would also like to point out that I do not have some sick mind obsessed by torture - before anyone thinks it - I bought a book on the subject before and found it amazing just how cruel man as a species can really be.  
  
Invented (allegedly) by a man named Perilaus it was in the shape of a bull and made out of metal with the insides hollowed out. The victim would be placed inside the bull and a fire lit underneath the bull. The screams of the victim would be transformed into the sounds of a melodious lowing via an ingenious arrangement of flutes within the bull's nostrils. However, for coming up with such a device Perilaus was given a fitting end by the tyrant, Phalaris, who he presented it to.  
  
"Perilaus, roasted in the bull he made,  
  
Gave proof of his own cruel trade."  
  
Somewhat ironic, but not his complete end. Phalaris decided that such a "noble work" (Phalaris' own words - well the man was a tyrant) should not be contaminated by it's maker's body and had him taken out whilst still alive and thrown off a cliff, leaving his body unburied.  
  
Many thanks to 'A History Of Torture' by George Ryley Scott for that particular story and quotes from Ovid. Here's hoping that no one ever comes up with as fucked up an idea as 'The Brazen Bull' again. 


	26. Animal.

Have just read part of possibly one of the worst mary-sue's EVER. Was even tempted to MST it. Decided not to after I realised I couldn't get part the first paragraph without cringing too much. Also found myself shouting 'MARY SUE' at my computer screen. Very disturbing. *shudders* Wasn't a LOTR one. Just thought I should share that with you all.... And oooh! Feedback from the torture chapter. There are some sick puppies out there amongst you lot. And thanks to Starbrat for those descriptions of torture. I don't think I've heard those before - although I have heard of similar rituals. Weird isn't it - the way something so utterly despicable is so fascinating? Hmm. The human brain is a fucked up place... Anyway, it's ain't mine, but I'm having fun messing around with it. Soz. J. R. R.  
  
Animal.  
  
Instinctively, my hands came up and grabbed the dagger, trying to knock the blade away from me. Thingaladion (for it was he) was not suspecting such a quick reaction and I managed to catch him off balance.  
  
With strength I didn't know I possessed I threw him to the floor and landed on top of him, where I proceeded to beat the hell out of him. Amazing! My mind thought as I threw yet another punch at his now very bruised face, I've been in Middle Earth less than a week and I've had more violent episodes here than I've had in the rest of my life. Put together!  
  
"And y'know what!" I pronounced proudly back to my mind. "I'm actually GOOD at it too!" I grinned and made to punch Thingaladion again.  
  
***  
  
Ten seconds later I was grabbed and thrown across the room by a severely pissed looking Veborion.  
  
"You dare lay hands on my kin!" He thundered.  
  
"Wha?" I was dazed from where my head had collided with the chains on the wall. How ironic, it seems that the torture devices can inflict pain after all I thought sourly.  
  
"You will pay dearly for this." Veborion continued striding across the room to where I was.  
  
"But..."  
  
"And I will make you regret you ever even considered that..."  
  
"Dammit Veborion you idiot!" I howled it frustration at just how dense this elf could be.  
  
"Coming to Middle Earth was a good idea." Veborion finished as he finally stood in front of me, glaring down at me as I struggled to stand.  
  
"Look you brainless elf he's trying to kill..." The words died on my lips as I saw Veborion's grimace of shock and pain.  
  
Thingaladion had thrown the knife into Veborion's back whilst we were so busy arguing. He smirked as he saw the look of horror on my face and then saw the expression on Veborion's as Veborion turned to face him.  
  
"You..."  
  
"Yes. Me." He answered smugly.  
  
"Et tu, Brute?" I muttered.  
  
***  
  
So there we were. Veborion slowly sinking to the floor as blood poured out of his wound, Thingaladion looking unbelievably smug watching him and me, me who was completely incapable of saying or doing anything. Let alone doing anything useful like calling for help or falling to my knees and trying to stop the bleeding. No I just stood there like a complete fool.  
  
Idiot.  
  
**********************  
  
ooooooh! Shock horror! Will Vebby die? Will Thingy get his comeuppance? And how the hell am I gonna get out of this one? Tune in next time and find out! But in the meantime R&R please!  
  
'Et tu Brute?' literally - and you Brutus? Spoken by Caesar as he realises that his best friend has just stabbed him. Taken from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar Act 3 Scene 1. The lines are as follows:  
  
Casca: Speak, hands for me! [Conspirators stab Caesar. Casca strikes first, Brutus the last blow]  
  
Caesar: Et tu, Brute? - Then fall, Caesar! [Dies]  
  
Cinna: Liberty! Freedom! Tyranny is dead!  
  
Now I'm plagiarising Shakespeare. My old English teacher would be so proud. I actually remembered something she taught for a change... 


	27. Don't Lose Your Head.

Here's the next chapter folks. And it still ain't mine. What a pity.  
  
Don't Lose Your Head.  
  
So there I stood for what seemed like aeons while in reality it was no more than a few seconds. Time slowed and the world around me seemed to be running at half speed. My mind went back to the Shakespeare I had quoted and another phrase which was far too apt for my tastes sprang to mind. I murmured them without thinking as I looked down on Veborion.  
  
"'O, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth,  
  
That I am meek and gentle with these butchers!  
  
Thou art the ruins of the noblest man  
  
That ever lived in the tide of times.'" I paused briefly before turning my gaze towards Thingaladion and continued in a louder voice.  
  
"'Woe to the hand that shed this costly blood!'"  
  
Thingaladion and I stared into each other's eyes laying bare the emotions that were in our souls. The challenge was made and accepted. The silence of the room was deafening. Well it was until...  
  
"GUARDS!" Thingaladion cried.  
  
***  
  
I was still standing, but now I was standing in front of the entire court. Thranduil sat on his throne, his face impassive only his eyes betrayed the emotions that were coursing through him.  
  
Thingaladion stood off to the side and the whole room from the lowliest serf to the King was watching me. My mind was still not completely comprehending what had happened. Right about now it was musing over whether there was such a thing as lowly elven serfs. Not really what you want to think about when you're being condemned to death.  
  
Oh. Didn't I mention that bit? Sorry, must have slipped my mind. I'm condemned because of my attempt on the Prince of Mirkwood's life. Apparently I stabbed him with his own dagger. Somewhere I appreciated the cunning of Thingaladion in using a knife that was owned by Veborion. The rest of me wished he'd never been born.  
  
I stood there, not even knowing whether Veborion lived or not. I did wonder, but nobody thought it was something I would be bothering my head about. My soon to be removed from the rest of my body head. Yep, that's right they weren't going to waste any time on the spiders or torture equipment, I was going to be beheaded. In full view of the entire court.  
  
The twisted part of my mind wondered whether they'd sold tickets for the event. "And if so." I said aloud. "Do I get a cut?"  
  
That was possibly not the best turn of phrase, I noted bitterly as I watched an elf advance toward me, sword in hand.  
  
***  
  
The elf swung his arm back intending to do this as quickly and cleanly as possible. He was actually having trouble keeping his arm steady, so great was his rage towards me, a mere female from the race of men had tried to assassinate the elf Prince of Mirkwood. He ended up using both of his arms as he swung the sword towards my neck.  
  
"HOLD!" Cried a voice from the back of the room as the doors swung open.  
  
The elf brought his swing up short millimetres from my neck. Everybody in the room including me swung around to see who had shouted. Veborion? I wondered.  
  
"Sindy?!" I choked out.  
  
"What is the meaning of this Sindaringevardaanwen?" Demanded Thranduil.  
  
"She would not try to kill Veborion."  
  
"Why do you say this! Thingaladion has proved that she did so!"  
  
No he bloody well didn't! My mind interjected.  
  
"She is his wife!" Sindaringevardaanwen declared.  
  
The room became deadly silent as every eye turned back to me. The elf who was about to behead me dropped his sword onto the floor in shock. Thranduil gazed at me in unflattering disbelief. I sent a tentative grin his way and was rewarded with one of the most frightening scowls I have ever received. I cowered under his stare.  
  
The silence was broken by Thingaladion who was trying to sneak away unnoticed. He tripped over the chair he had been sitting on.  
  
"There's the one who tried to kill Veborion!" I shouted and pointed at Thingaladion's retreating figure. "He's trying to get away!"  
  
Thingaladion had wasted no time in getting away once he heard my accusation. He didn't even bother trying to get to the door and flung himself out of the window in an attempt to escape.  
  
And of course, I being the really clever creature that I am, dived out of the window right behind him.  
  
Idiot.  
  
********************  
  
Yet another bit from Shakespeare. Same play. Said by Marc Antony to Caesar's dead body. Not something I do very often - talk to dead bodies, must admit. Ooooh I'm soooo cultured aren't I? Nah - that just happens to be one of my favourite lines. And Sindy's back! And is Vebby dead? And will I catch Thingy while he runs off. And hey - I'm not really married to Vebby am I? Who knows? R&R please! 


	28. Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses?

Hey there! How's it going? Well it still ain't mine and here's the next chapter...  
  
Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses?  
  
I landed on a conveniently placed pile of hay. I thanked my lucky stars. For once it seemed that luck was on my side, mainly because I didn't seem remotely injured. I got up and looked around for Thingaladion. I saw him as he rounded a corner of the Palace disappearing from my sight.  
  
I noticed that my bag with all my supplies had suddenly appeared at my feet. Grabbing it and throwing the strap over my shoulder I started off after Thingaladion. "Tally Ho!" I cried. The chase was on.  
  
***  
  
Thingaladion seems to want to lose me, I noted as he dashed into yet another building.  
  
"Hey!" I shouted as I dived in after him. "This ain't 'Point Break' y'know! And I'm not James Bond either! Dammit!"  
  
Thingaladion ignored me and continued running.  
  
***  
  
Eventually he must have realised that there was no way he was going to lose me on foot. So he decided to try something a little different. So he made for the stables and seconds after entering he rode off on his horse.  
  
"Unfair! Unfair!" I said. "Dammit! Bollocks! Balls! Fuck! Fuck! Shit! Bloody Buggery Bollocks! Damn! Blast! THAT'S CHEATING YOU EVIL MURDERING BASTARD!" I hollered after Thingaladion as he vanished in the distance. I gave a very big sigh of resignation and made my way into the stables.  
  
"Nice horsey... Yeeeesss. Nice horsey. Who's a pretty boy then?" I said nervously to the horse that stood in front of me.  
  
The horse viewed me with disdain as I glanced around looking for something to ride the horse with. And then I remembered.  
  
"Oh balls. Elvish fucking horse. Bare back riding. Oh hell." I gave another sigh and then put my hope into the horse. "Ok mr horse, here's the deal. I need to catch Thingaladion cos he stabbed Veborion. To do this I need to ride you. And I can't ride. So you're gonna have to help me ok?"  
  
The horse just looked at me.  
  
"Well, here goes." I muttered as I attempted to mount up.  
  
I managed it.  
  
And then I looked down. The ground seemed an awful long way to fall down to. I gulped as I tried to get comfortable, but my horse obviously wasn't having any of that and set off after Thingaladion. And somewhere inside me I wondered if I had managed to make yet another colossal mistake.  
  
Idiot.  
  
***************************  
  
Sorry - this one's short. Many many thanks for the reviews. Much love going out to you all. Will I survive my horse? Will I catch up with Thingy? And if I do what will I do to him? And more importantly what will he do to me? R&R please!  
  
'Point Break' - you ALL know this film. With one of the best chase scenes in any film ever. And Keanu Reeves looking DAMN sexy. *drool*  
  
James Bond - you ALL know who he is too. And with at least one chase scene per film. And Sean Connery. *drool* 


	29. Crying.

apologies for all who are waiting patiently for the next chapter I know I'm taking my time. May put another up tomorrow - if not it'll be next week. Still ain't mine - but I'm working on it!  
  
Crying.  
  
And so I rode after Thingaladion. At first I didn't bother opening my eyes but after getting smacked in the face by a low hanging branch I figured I'd be safer if I actually looked to see where I was going. I just had to make sure I didn't look down.  
  
***  
  
Thingaladion was stunned to see me catch up with him. Seems I picked one of the fastest horses that Mirkwood possessed, but I didn't find that fact out until later. All I knew was that the beast that I was riding seemed determined to catch up with Thingaladion, regardless of whether I was still managing to hold onto it or not.  
  
And holding on was my main priority. Holding on and staying on.  
  
"Fuck Thingaladion," I muttered to myself as I ducked yet another branch, "All I care about it staying alive."  
  
***  
  
After what seemed like an eternity, and muscles I didn't know I even had began to protest, I realised that unless I actually did something Thingaladion would ride to Mordor and back before he stopped.  
  
"Something must be done." I declared firmly sitting up straighter on my horse.  
  
We had now made it out of the forest and getting whacked across the head by branches was not so much of a threat out in the open. Which I was truly grateful for.  
  
The problem was I had no weapons. No real ones anyway. No rope for lassoing and tying him up, no bow and arrow to shoot him and disable him with... Not that I was actually capable of doing any of those things, I mused. "But hey - it would have been nice to try y'know?" I commented to my horse.  
  
My horse snorted in response.  
  
***  
  
We were still riding hard and by now I was getting desperate. Amazingly our horses were pretty much neck and neck, but I figured that was more due to my inexperience as a rider than any skill on my part. I got the feeling that my horse could go much faster with someone who could actually ride as opposed to me who was just clinging on for dear life.  
  
In utter despair I turned my attention to my bag which I had picked up before chasing after Thingaladion.  
  
"I could throw it at him..." I pondered, "It is kinda heavy... But knowing my luck I'd miss... Hmmm..."  
  
And then it occurred to me. It was time to make my ultimate sacrifice. Oh yes.  
  
***  
  
"OUCH! What the?" Thingaladion turned his head to see what had just hit him. "ARGH! You evil spawn of Sauron!" He cried.  
  
I grinned evilly and took careful aim. If I was making this sacrifice then each shot was going to count, I noted grimly as I let fly.  
  
"OWWWWW!"  
  
Again I let fly with my most precious possessions, this time a swift left hand and then right hand. My makeshift missiles made contact with his head. Thingaladion made a weird sort of snort and then crumpled in his saddle, before falling heavily off his horse.  
  
My horse came to an almost immediate stop as Thingaladion fell and I found myself sailing over the horse's head and landing uncomfortably in a heap.  
  
Five minutes later I staggered to my feet and inspected the damage. It was horrifying.  
  
"Damn you, you stupid horse!" I howled in frustration and disbelief, "You've broken my favourite one!"  
  
And I sunk to my knees and wept over the injustice of it all. Forget Thingaladion lying unconscious at my feet, forget Veborion who was stabbed, forget Sindaringevardaanwen who thought I had married her boyfriend and forget Legolas whose wedding I had ruined.  
  
I wept for something more important than any of these. I wept for the sacrifice I had made to capture Thingaladion. I wept for the thing that mattered most to me. And I wept for the fact that my favourite was no more. I bawled at the sacrifice that I had made for Middle Earth. I cried over what was now no more.  
  
Yes, people, I wept for my NAIL VARNISH.  
  
And I have no shame about that fact.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*******************************  
  
Curious fact, I do indeed have a lot of nail varnish. Currently its somewhere around the 200 bottle mark (I kid you not) I can't tell you what the exact number is as it's been a while since I counted them - but bear in mind the last time I did it went from somewhere around the 100 mark to somewhere around the 200 mark. I think you get the picture. And no, before you ask, I do NOT have them all - although I wish I did. *grins* And everyone I know thinks I'm mad... But I am real easy to buy presents for. I had 16 different nail varnishes for Christmas...  
  
And now that I think about it, I probably would cry if anything happened to them. Some are irreplaceable. Sad - but hey I'm well aware of that fact. It could be worse, I could have an obsession with toe nail clippings or something. Now THAT would be bad! R&R please! 


	30. What's Going On.

oooooh. well spotted sprite. missed that one. not to worry - have come up with a reason for it. you were the only person to spot that. well, spot that and point it out anyway. as for chocolate it's gotta be Cadbury's. *DROOL* at easter I discovered 'Cadbury's Dream' egg - like a creme egg only better. much better. heavenly. white chocolate shell with soft white chocolate centre. all I can say is roll on next easter... And here's the next chapter. It's still not mine and it's 7:05AM. Yep - AM. I've been up since around 3:00am cos I can't sleep. Dammit. And I don't own LOTR either. Double dammit...  
  
What's Going On.  
  
Eventually I stopped crying. Thingaladion was still unconscious as I wandered over to check on him. Then I noticed something. Something that I had previously missed. Thingaladion's horse was saddled. Yes saddled.  
  
"So much for bareback riding you wimp." I muttered as I turned him over onto his back. "Ouch." I commented noticing the bruising on his face. "That's gonna take some healing. Come on evil elf, let's get you back to Mirkwood."  
  
And somehow with strength I didn't know I possessed I managed to get Thingaladion back on his horse.  
  
***  
  
Tying his hands together with some rope that had been on his horse just so he didn't escape I noticed he was groaning and starting to come around.  
  
"Unconscious evil elf is better than awake evil elf." I said aloud as he continued to groan. Then I picked up a nearby rock and clouted him on the back of the head.  
  
The groans stopped.  
  
***  
  
I mounted back onto my horse and we started the trek back to Mirkwood at a somewhat slower pace than we had set out. I held onto the reins of Thingaladion's horse as it followed us bearing the still unconscious Thingaladion.  
  
By the time we had got back to the borders of Mirkwood Thingaladion was beginning to wake up again.  
  
"Damn." I muttered to myself, cursing my stupidity for leaving the rock I had used on him earlier. "Where's something big and heavy when you need it?"  
  
We entered the dense forest. Then Thingaladion's moans abruptly stopped. I turned around to see him lying on the forest floor and a very heavy branch that I had only moments before ducked to avoid was swinging suspiciously back and fore.  
  
"Ahh. Unconscious elf can't look to see when he needs to duck his head." I noted with satisfaction.  
  
***  
  
I dismounted to heave Thingaladion back onto his horse. And then I noticed something. Something I hadn't noticed before. Something that puzzled the hell out of me. Something that couldn't possibly be right. And something that explained Thingaladion's wimpy riding technique. His hair had uncovered something.  
  
His ear.  
  
It was round.  
  
Like mine.  
  
Like my perfectly round, non pointy HUMAN ear.  
  
I gulped. And my senses which had previously ignored all manner of danger in Middle Earth came alive. And I sensed something. That I had found out something that I wasn't supposed to know. This was not good. Not good at all.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*************************  
  
The plot thickens. What's going on? Shock Horror! Didn't expect that now did ya? Right then. I'm off to go and get ready. I'm wide awake now - but by midday I'll be wanting my bed. R&R and make me feel better! 


	31. Blurry.

balls. didn't notice that either. hmm. have cheated. just went back and took out the sentence. Not even I could come up with an idea for why I'd gone from bareback to a saddle. once again brownie points to sprite for spotting it!  
  
Blurry.  
  
I will admit that I dithered. For all of 5 seconds. And then a sound of rustling leaves brought me back to my senses and I decided the best thing to do would be to pretend that I hadn't noticed it. I would merely watch and wait, I decided as I heaved Thingaladion back onto his horse and brushed his hair back over his ear.  
  
I remounted my horse and we continued the long slow arduous trek back to the Palace.  
  
***  
  
And what happened? The inevitable. Of course. What did I do yet again? I got lost. In the forest. While trying to get to the Palace. AGAIN.  
  
"Now I'm really getting a sense of deja vu." I muttered to myself as we passed a tree for the fifth time. "Dammit you stupid horse, why are you doing this to me?" I glared down at my mount, but then I noticed that it seemed as confused as I was. I shook my head in frustration and then glared up at the sky. "Is there a reason as to why I can't find the bloody Palace this time?!"  
  
***  
  
After 3 long hours of going around in circles I gave up and dismounted. I sat down on a conveniently placed rock and glared at my horse. Who glared back a much better glare than I could manage.  
  
"Marvellous. Now I'm being outglared by a horse. Fucking hell." I looked down at my bag and decided that it was time for the only thing that could possibly cheer me up. Yep, folks you've guessed it.  
  
"Chocolate, crisps and vodka." I said pulling out my supplies. "Anyone wants me," I said to my horse, "Tell them to wait."  
  
***  
  
I munched contentedly and glanced around at my surroundings. I took a sip of my vodka , and then took a gulp. And then a much bigger gulp. And then several more large gulps. Suddenly everything seemed all right with the world. Perhaps maybe a little blurred around the edges, but everything was all right.  
  
I should have known it was too good to be true.  
  
Idiot.  
  
******************************  
  
Short filler chapter. Hmm. The plot will thicken in the next one. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully. See how inspired I am.... R&R please! 


	32. In Too Deep.

yes yes ok. I ADMIT I got it wrong. Well spotted to all those who saw the mistakes with the saddles. How ironic. I don't know the first thing about horses or riding. In my defence for my mistakes may I point out that I do all my own spelling, grammar and punctuation checks and hey - I'm not perfect! Also I tend to write a chapter a day which can be pretty challenging sometimes to say the least. And finally - I usually write this story in the early hours of the morning when my brain is fried and my sense of humour is more twisted than it is in the daytime, so mistakes are VERY easily made. There ranted enough! And this isn't directed at you sprite - it's to the individual on one of my yahoo groups who NEVER reviews. Until now. When I made some mistakes. Which kinda wound me up for obvious reasons - i.e. she reads but doesn't give me any feedback. Yet more irony - I was considering not posting it up on that group because I wasn't getting any feedback! So if you are reading this - review it dammit! Or I may just go and spend my time doing something far more productive like sleeping!  
  
In Too Deep.  
  
I stayed sitting and eating for a while. And just as I was debating whether to make another attempt at finding the Palace when my horse decided that enough was enough and left me.  
  
"What the?! Where the fuck are you going?" I shouted as my horse and Thingaladion's horse disappeared. Thingaladion was still unconscious on the back of his horse. And he would soon be a lot worse off, I noted as his head smacked into yet another branch.  
  
***  
  
"Balls." I muttered as I tried yet another direction in hope of finding the Palace. Last time I had ended up in what appeared to be a clearing. It wasn't. More like a bog. And yes, I got very very wet. I was not best pleased.  
  
"Whoever knew Mirkwood was such a bloody big place?" I said aloud. "It looks so tiny on the maps." I glanced down to the book I held in my hand. "Of course, the whole of Middle Earth also looks tiny shoved into the back of a paperback book." I noted sourly, "Obviously Mirkwood in just being kept in proportion. Dammit."  
  
***  
  
It was quite some time later on when I noticed that my nose had started to run. A few miles further on and I sneezed.  
  
"Oh darn. Now to add to all my troubles I've gone and caught a cold. ARGH!" I shouted in frustration and kicked the nearest inanimate object. Which happened to be a rock. And I kicked it with my still not quite healed bad ankle foot.  
  
"Fuck! Fuck! Shit! Ouch! OWWWW!" I hopped around sniffing and holding my now bad ankle and bad foot. Tears began to roll down my cheeks. Before I succumbed to the gravity that was pulling my very off balance self towards the floor I decided the best thing to do would be to sit down and inspect the damage.  
  
"Oh lovely and purple-ly black." I said aloud as I saw the distinctly un- fetching bruise that was swiftly forming on my foot. "Now how the hell am I supposed to walk?" I groaned as I put my foot on the floor to test it's strength.  
  
Then I heard something that sounded suspiciously like voices.  
  
"The spell we have cast is beginning to wear off. He will be discovered soon." Said a voice.  
  
"Does he himself know what he really is?" Another voice asked.  
  
The first speaker snorted before continuing. "Of course not. The knowledge that he is in fact a man not an elf would destroy our plan. Once the elves discover what he truly is..."  
  
"Then we put our plans into action." The second voice finished.  
  
"But what of the dwarves?" Interjected another.  
  
"Do not fear. I have plans for them too. Plans for everyone. Oh yes." Said the first in almost a whisper.  
  
I attempted to move closer. Was Thingaladion's murderous actions not truly his own fault? What then and more importantly who was behind them? The first voice implied it was a spell on him to disguise his true nature. I silently shuffled forward, determined to get to the bottom of this once and for all. And then it happened. Possibly the worst thing I could do whilst eavesdropping on the plotters that were behind the attempt on Veborion's life.  
  
I sneezed.  
  
Idiot.  
  
************************  
  
Oh dear oh dear! Who are the plotters? What will they do to me? And will I ever find out just what the heck is going on? And did I make a chapter without any mistakes? And if I did - new excuse! I have a cold and am feeling pretty rough. R&R please! 


	33. Stone Cold Crazy.

Hmm. feeling guilty over my petty little rant in last chapter. soz if you didn't like it - but I'm ill and therefore am now more small minded and petty than I usually am... And I don't own LOTR. Life just ain't fair.  
  
Stone Cold Crazy.  
  
I gulped. And then accepted the inevitable. I was screwed. Big time. Then a slightly reckless feeling overtook me. Ah, said my brain fuzzily, that will be the neat vodka then.  
  
"Alright boys?" I asked as I stumbled into the clearing. "How's it going?" I waved my bottle at them which I had removed from my bag and stuck a ridiculous lopsided grin on my face. Not that difficult when you aren't completely stone cold sober.  
  
I fell as the creatures who were talking turned to face me. Their expressions were not welcoming. To say the least.  
  
"Who are you?" One eventually asked.  
  
"Fangirl." I answered simply, taking another swig out of my bottle. Vainly hoping the alcohol would numb the pain I was suffering from.  
  
The creatures turned back away from me in disgust. Then the one who had originally spoke asked another question.  
  
"Who did you come here for?"  
  
"Legolas." I answered. "But I thought he was a man." I paused for a moment before continuing. "I heard what you were talking about and I want in."  
  
***  
  
Yep that's right folks, I was standing up and volunteering to join in with this bunch of creatures who I didn't know and attempt to well, wipe out the elves. As you do. Understandably they were ever so slightly suspicious.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well, it's like this. Ever'body loves elves don't they?" I slurred as I swigged from the bottle yet again, "So I came here hoping for a piece of elf and all I get is torture and humiliation." I took another gulp. "They've tried to kill me more than once, thrown me in the dungeons, left me with the spiders... You name it, they've done it. I think it's about time for some payback." I looked up as I said it, hoping to gauge their reactions from their expressions, but they had retreated into the shadows and I could barely make out their figures, let alone their faces.  
  
"Hmm. We shall see."  
  
***  
  
"So tell us, Fangirl," Their leader sneered. "why should we trust you?"  
  
"Err..." Oh shit. "Because I was going to help Thingaladion kill Veborion." I answered.  
  
"You were in on his plot?" The leader seemed surprised. "And yet it did not succeed."  
  
Vebby's alive? My brain stored this piece of information away for use at a later date and I responded in my own way to show disgust at his survival.  
  
"Fuck! How the hell did that creep survive? Is there no justice in the world?" I fell to me knees and shook my fist up at the sky and in a very dramatic voice shouted, "Damn you! Damn you all!"  
  
This response brought some murmurs of approval from the group.  
  
"Silence!" Their leader declared. He gazed down at me as I remained on my knees. He nodded to himself. "We leave for the Palace within the hour."  
  
***  
  
So there I was heading for the Palace yet again, now with added co- conspirators. Marvellous. I wasn't even sure who or what the group actually were. I had decided against trying to make polite conversation, hence we travelled in almost total silence.  
  
Total silence except for the noises that were coming from me as I swore every time I put pressure on my foot. The leader glared at me. So much for a silent approach then, I chuckled inwardly. The Palace here we come!  
  
Idiot.  
  
**********************  
  
ahh! what am I doing! do I really want revenge on the elves? am I really that bitter? or is it just the alcohol in me? and who are these mysterious creatures? hmm... R&R please! 


	34. Walking Contradiction.

nice weekend? mine was ok. just about recovered from my cold. And I watched a fascinating programme on hooligans. Turns out the football club with the most violent supporters is just down the road from me. So don't criticise - or I'll send the boys around! *laughs manically* hmm. perhaps I haven't completely recovered then... Still ain't mine.  
  
Walking Contradiction.  
  
We marched back to the Palace at a relatively slow pace. That was mainly my fault, as anything faster than a walk was impossible for me to make without either passing out or cursing loudly.  
  
"Much further?" I asked, vainly wishing for anything to take the pain from my foot away. Vodka can after all only do so much.  
  
"Just ahead." The leader answered.  
  
And there it was. The Palace. I sighed, partly with relief at not having to walk any further and partly through apprehension as I was still not sure exactly what the creatures intended to do.  
  
***  
  
Walking up to the Palace on my own half an hour later I still found my foot aching. This time however I was going to make sure I was getting the best care available. I was after all Veborion's wife wasn't I? I sniggered to myself as I thought of all the plans that I had been privy to, amused by what they would have done to me had they known all that I did.  
  
***  
  
The plan they had was quite simple. I would return and find out exactly what had happened in my absence and report back. When I had the next phase of their plan would go into action.  
  
"If they only knew." I murmured to myself. I was still puzzled as to exactly what the creatures were. They didn't seem to be of any race I could think of that belonged in Middle Earth although there was something about them that seemed vaguely familiar. "If only I could remember what the heck it was." I sighed. It would come to me sooner or later.  
  
There were rumours that the elves were planning yet another grand celebration, so I naturally go along to represent my race. Which had me puzzled for a while when they first said it.  
  
"What do you mean? Represent my 'race'? I'm of the race of men. Aragorn will be there won't he?"  
  
"You are not the representative of men."  
  
"Err. Hello? Human here."  
  
"No you are to represent that most feared of races..."  
  
"Which is?"  
  
"That of Fangirls."  
  
"Pardon? The race of Fangirls?" I paused and looked incredulously at the leader. "Since when has there been a race of Fangirls?" I saw the threatening posture of the leader and shut up. "Fine whatever. I'll go."  
  
Five minutes later I found myself wandering back towards the Palace.  
  
Idiot.  
  
****************  
  
Hmm. not the most inspired chapter. But I do have a few ideas of where to go next... Maybe. Possibly. R&R please! 


	35. Heaven Is.

hmm. this one wasn't easy to write. wasn't inspired until very late last night. still not mine. big surprise there then.  
  
Heaven Is.  
  
I limped into the Palace without a backwards glance to my former companions. All I wanted was a hot bath and my bed. Well, not necessarily my bed, any bed. "Hell, the floor would do right about now." I muttered as I winced from yet another shooting pain from my foot. Then I sneezed, automatically put my weight onto my injured foot, lost my balance and fell over.  
  
***  
  
Half an hour later I was exactly where I wanted to be. In bed. After a very hot bath. My foot was treated and bandaged up. I had been given something to get rid of my cold. I was in heaven.  
  
"Now this is the way it's supposed to be." I said and then sighed contentedly  
  
For reasons that I had yet to understand I had been treated like royalty on my arrival. I did discover that Thingaladion was back at the Palace and was being held under armed guard. As I drifted off to sleep my brain fuzzily decided that Thingaladion's capture was the reason I was being treated so well.  
  
***  
  
When I finally awoke next morning I noticed three things. One my cold had gone. Two the ache in my foot had also gone and three I had died and gone to heaven. Then my brain kicked in and I remembered I was in Mirkwood.  
  
"Well, near enough really innit." I commented to myself as I heaved my body out of bed, "Y'know, beautiful, immortal beings. All they need now are wings. And harps."  
  
I glanced around the room and noticed that there was a tray with various food laid out for me. I dived over and proceeded to stuff myself.  
  
"Screw it." I muttered as I shovelled more food into my mouth. "I have died and gone to heaven."  
  
***  
  
Later I left the room and decided it was time to do some exploring. And find out exactly what the hell was happening in Middle Earth.  
  
Yep that's right. I was sick to the back teeth of all the conspiracies and I was going to find out what the hell was going on. With that idea in my head I strolled around the Palace looking and more importantly listening to see if I could discover something about all the plans that I had heard.  
  
Eventually I found myself wandering into the throne room.  
  
"Hah! Such fond memories." I commented aloud to myself as I remembered the last time I had been in the room with a sword to my neck. I turned suddenly as I heard voices. The doors swung open and into the room poured what looked like every species known to Middle Earth. And a few that weren't as well.  
  
"Ahhh. It is the fangirl!" One of the elves proclaimed as he saw me.  
  
The room erupted into cheering. I began to get scared. Very scared. What the hell is going on? My mind asked. I smiled weakly and gave a wave to all the creatures that were now surrounding me. Ah. My brain noted. No way of escaping this one. You're stuck. Shit.  
  
Then things began getting weirder. King Thranduil appeared with possibly the biggest smile on his face that I have EVER seen. Now I was getting freaked out.  
  
"Welcome!" Thranduil said as he approached me. Then he swept me into his arms and hugged me.  
  
"Woah!" I cried shoving him back. "Hello? Personal space issues here!"  
  
Thranduil didn't even seem remotely bothered by my response. "Plans are already underway for the celebration." He informed me. "We have invited every race of Middle Earth. And some which are not." He said gesturing towards a large group of very odd looking creatures who were all standing together, glancing warily around at the room and each other.  
  
"Err... And what celebration would that be?" I asked sweetly, hoping that I would finally find out what the hell was going on.  
  
Thranduil in response merely laughed.  
  
Idiot.  
  
*****************  
  
Hmm. Not that interesting. What is going on? Next one will be more interesting promise! R&R please! 


	36. Mary's Joint.

Apologies for taking so long over chapters - I seem to be needing a lot of sleep recently. Must be something to do with my cold... hmm. apologies to any offended by my sense of humour in this one. I'm just mocking all the stories - including my own. I'm funny like that. Still not mine, dammit - why can't it be mine?  
  
Mary's Joint.  
  
After my rather surprising reunion with Thranduil I wandered the room, hoping to shake off the elven king and his unwelcome hugs. Look, it's not as if I really don't like hugs or anything - I'm just really picky about who gets to hugs me. After all a girl must have standards right? My excuse is I have personal space issues. Perhaps I wasn't cuddled enough as a child. Whatever. At that moment I had more important things to worry about.  
  
More important things like what the heck was that odd looking creature with sparkly wings doing in the corner of the room? And what was the odd stick with the star stuck on the end in it's hand exactly? A wand?!  
  
"Fucking hell," I breathed. "What the fuck have I wandered into now?" I took a deep breath and headed over to the winged being. "Hi there!" I declared cheerfully. "Nice...er... Wings you got there."  
  
"I am a fairy." She, at least I assumed it was a she, answered while looking down her perfect little nose at me.  
  
"Ahh. Fangirl." I said, plainly stating what breed of creature I was.  
  
"Humph." She snorted in response, fluttered her sparkly wings and part flew/walked away.  
  
"Fine. Whatever." I muttered under my breath before turning to try and make conversation with someone or something else.  
  
***  
  
"And you are?" I was trying to talk to something else. With just as much luck as the first time around.  
  
"A sprite."  
  
"Fine. Whatever. And you are?"  
  
"I'm Elrond's half elven third daughter."  
  
"Third daughter? Fine. Whatever."  
  
"I'm Elrond's second daughter."  
  
"I'm his fourth daughter."  
  
"I'm his sixth daughter."  
  
"I'm his seventeenth daughter."  
  
"I'm his..."  
  
"Fucking hell." I muttered silently, "Now I know why Elrond's wife left him. I'd be off too."  
  
***  
  
After meeting numerous female elves who all claimed to be Elrond's daughters I came to the conclusion that either Elrond had a harem or there was something strange going on around here.  
  
"And you are?" The question from one of the female elves who wasn't one of Elrond's daughters.  
  
"Err... Fangirl. You?"  
  
"I am Princess Malthuleielalcatarierinlhugnovaniel daughter of King Danerieraniernevlas from Pansywood."  
  
"Mathu-what?! Fucking hell. And I thought Sindaringavardaanwen had it bad. Your parents must have really hated you!" I commented jovially.  
  
Tears came to her eyes. "My parents were murdered by the evil antelope king. He has overrun my land. I am here to seek help from the noble Prince Legolas."  
  
"Noble Prince Legolas eh?" Suddenly things began to make sense. Pansywood indeed. Next thing it would be swearing elves. Or the wrong use of the word to. Or your. Or my personal gripe of elves using the one word they shouldn't. The easiest mistake in the world to make. In Tolkien's time they did not say 'Okay'. Ok?  
  
Then the horrible reality of my situation sank in. I was now surrounded by the worst of creatures. The most feared of all creations ever to grace any story.  
  
I was surrounded by Mary Sues.  
  
Badly written and spelt Mary Sues.  
  
I gulped.  
  
I was doomed.  
  
Idiot.  
  
**********************  
  
Now then, now then. I actually don't mind Mary Sues as long as they're well written. Badly written with poor concepts bug the hell out of me. If you're gonna write it - try and make it different to all the others out there. PLEASE. *falls onto knees and begs* I love a bit of obvious fluff as much as the next person... Just don't use the word OKAY - argh. Drives me absolutely nuts... Same feeling I get when I chip my nail varnish - and you ALL know how I feel about nail varnish!  
  
Need your reviews now - not too sure what to do next. So R&R people! You know you want to! 


	37. Party Hard.

Hmm. More stuff added on computer. Let's see if I can cope with all this technology! And it ain't mine – but then you knew that anyway…  
  
Party Hard.  
  
As the full horror of my situation occurred to me I decided that now would be the time to get the hell out of the room. Hopefully unnoticed. But first I had to get away from the Mary Sues. Then I felt something. Something very very bad.  
  
I was weakening against their power! I could not bear to leave these beautiful ethereal creatures! How I'd managed for so long without them I couldn't comprehend. I fought an inward battle to free myself from their evil influence.  
  
I backed away and staggered. The effort involved was just too much. I was surrounded, and I was going down.  
  
***  
  
Fortunately for me I fell against the wall. The wall gave me the support I so desperately needed and I edged away from the creatures and their essence of evil that permeated the air, their beautiful heavenly voices echoing in my head.  
  
"Sirens." My mouth commented aloud dully as I tried to regain my senses. I was not the only one affected. Seemed that several of the more gullible elves were caught by the 'Sues'. The 'Sues' however had not yet sunk their claws into this willing prey, preferring to wait for Legolas.  
  
***  
  
"Enjoying yourself?" A voice whispered into my ear.  
  
I turned and was faced with Veborion. A slightly pale looking Veborion who was obviously injured but still managing to look like a damn hot piece of elf. Part of me swooned. And then I noticed the severely pissed look he had on his face. Was he ever happy?  
  
"What's up with you?" I asked, while I tried to reign in the mental drool that was threatening to drown my brain as I gazed at him.  
  
"Nothing." He answered curtly before looking away.  
  
"Fine. Whatever." I looked away exasperated by him. Did he always have to be so downright irritating? Then I noticed the table that was laid out for refreshments.  
  
"Sod this for a lark." I muttered and left the very hot and very annoying elf where he was and made my way over to the table.  
  
"After Mary Sues and Vebby," I commented as I picked up a rather large and very full of something-frothy tankard. "I think I deserve this." I knocked it back enjoying the taste of alcohol. Savouring it and letting the stress I had been carrying since Thranduil's somewhat surprising show of affection gradually slip away.  
  
And then I knocked back another.  
  
And another.  
  
And another.  
  
And another.  
  
I began swaying in time to the music that was playing in my head. And drank another. Before picking up a bottle of whatever the heck was on the table and mixing it with the dregs that were left in my tankard. My vision blurred. And I didn't care.  
  
***  
  
Twenty minutes (and several more drinks) later I found myself in the middle of the throne room. And I was dancing. Badly. None of this waltzing gracefully around the room in the arms of a loved one for me. No sirree. I was dancing like the drunken loon at a wedding that nobody admits to inviting or knowing. You know the person I'm on about? Well in the throne room of Mirkwood's Palace that person was me.  
  
Then I threw caution to the wind and decided that the time had come to teach that miserable bastard Veborion how to have fun. I marched over to where he was sitting, announced loudly "Vebby honey, come and dance with me!" grabbed his arm and dragged him back to my dancefloor.  
  
And I made him dance. Oh boy did I make him dance.  
  
And if looks could have killed I would have been sliced and diced in no time at all. But I didn't care.  
  
In fact for probably the first time since my disastrous arrival in Mirkwood I would say that I was having fun.  
  
Idiot.  
  
********************************  
  
Dedicating this chapter to my friend who I went out with on Saturday night. It got very messy.  
  
Dancing and chasing balloons around the dancefloor in v. v. high shoes. I recommend it. It was great fun!  
  
R&R please! 


	38. Dancing Queen.

Over 100 reviews! Hooray! *Does gleeful little dance around the room* Here's the next chapter folks. Hope you're all enjoying it! Not mine. Enough said.  
  
Dancing Queen.  
  
I swung Veborion around and around the dancefloor. The expression on his face was priceless. And all I could do was laugh. Hysterically. Then I suddenly let go of his hands and watched as he flew away from me, stumbling as he tried to regain his balance.  
  
"Go Vebby! Go Vebby! Go!" I chanted as he came to a standstill. He walked off the floor without a backward glance at me. Which was something of a mistake actually, because as soon as I realised that he was leaving me to dance alone I launched myself at him, caught him off balance and we both fell to the floor.  
  
Unfortunately we landed in the midst of the 'Sues' which was a bad move as we were both automatically affected by their evil.  
  
"Dammit Vebby!" I exclaimed angrily as I tried to get up from the floor and get off Veborion who I had landed on. "Couldn't you have picked somewhere else to head to instead of the 'Sues'?"  
  
Veborion shoved me off from him and got to his feet. He glared down at me. Then his face softened. For a moment I thought he seemed to regret his actions. Then I noticed the look of adoration he gave the nearest 'Sue'.  
  
"Oh no you're not!" I said, anger and jealousy clearing my head from the evil of the 'Sues'. "You are coming with me!" I grabbed his arm and tried to drag him away from them. Which didn't get very far as Veborion is bigger, stronger and a heck of a lot heavier than me.  
  
***  
  
Conveniently for me a distraction came with the opening of the doors. All the 'Sues' turned to see if their beloved Legolas was going to make an appearance. This gave me the opportunity I needed and I hauled Veborion away from the group and more specifically, the 'Sue' he was drooling over.  
  
He glared at me again and tried to shake me off.  
  
"Dammit Vebby!" I said answering him with a very mean glare of my own; "Will you quit trying to escape here? You know you'll thank me for it later."  
  
In response Veborion glared. Big surprise there then.  
  
***  
  
Suddenly there seemed to be something of a commotion from the 'Sues'. I craned my neck to see what was going on. And smirked.  
  
"Ahh yes. Legolas." I commented, while grinning evilly.  
  
The 'Sues' however, were somewhat less than impressed. In fact they were furious. And well, you all know how hard Mary Sues are. Most tossed their perfectly long luscious hair before drawing weapons.  
  
"I think that now would be a good time to leave." I said aloud to myself. And headed towards the still broken window.  
  
I dived out and landed quite well. Obviously practise does sometimes make perfect, I noted smugly. Then I felt something hit me and everything went black.  
  
Idiot.  
  
***********  
  
Yeah – short I know. What the heck. Not particularly inspired tonight. R&R as usual please! 


	39. Run Riot.

Inspiration for something hit just then. Hmm. Perhaps another twist? Mmmm. Not mine. No surprise there then.  
  
Run Riot.  
  
"Wake up! Wake up!" A voice demanded as I was shaken. "Wake up!" Wait a minute. I know that voice…  
  
"Wassamarra Vebby?" I slurred as I attempted to open my eyes. I opened them. Bright painful light. I closed them hurriedly.  
  
"Fangirl! You must wake up! We do not have time for this!"  
  
"We? What we?" My brain was beginning to kick in now. "And what's the rush for anyway?"  
  
"It is the creatures originally from your world. They are on the rampage."  
  
"Wha?" My brain was stumped. Then I remembered what I had leapt from the window to avoid. The 'Sues'. "Oh shit." Then I remembered something else. Why had I blacked out? Then it dawned on me. When I had said to myself that it was a good time to leave someone had overheard me. And agreed with me. And was standing in front of me. Veborion. I groaned and wished for the blackness to overtake me again.  
  
It didn't.  
  
***  
  
Veborion ignored my groans and heaved me to my feet. Then he started to drag me. At which point I had had enough and opened my eyes. Then I stopped moving. He turned to look at me.  
  
"Why?" I asked.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why? As in why the hell should I go anywhere with you?"  
  
"We do not have time for this!"  
  
"No," I corrected him. "I have PLENTY of time for this. I'm one of them," albeit a very bad one my mind added, "so I have nothing to fear. You on the other hand…"  
  
Veborion glared.  
  
"And enough with the glaring already ok? YOU DO NOT FRIGHTEN ME." I intoned in a ridiculous over dramatic style.  
  
Veborion sighed and slumped his shoulders. Which was surprising in itself because I had never seen an elf slouch before. "Well, you learn something new everyday." I muttered quietly. Then in a louder voice I asked, "Well?"  
  
***  
  
"Let me get this straight. So I've got it clear in my head and I'm not suffering from concussion after you landed on me for which, I might add you still haven't apologised for." I paused and took a deep breath. "YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU."  
  
"Yes." Veborion said through clenched teeth.  
  
I was still stunned. Even though I had heard him ten times, I was still incredulous. But I had stopped laughing, which was good because when he first said it I was so surprised I said nothing and then had burst out laughing when I realised he was serious. For a moment I seriously considered the possibility that I might die from laughing too much.  
  
Finally the concept that Veborion wanted me to help him sank in. Which just left one question.  
  
"Why?"  
  
Veborion sighed again. "Is it not obvious?" He asked in reply.  
  
For a moment I couldn't believe it! Veborion obviously wanted me! Inwardly I preened. Then he answered his own question.  
  
"You have survived everything that Middle Earth has thrown at you. If anyone can survive this, it would be you. That is why I want you to help me."  
  
I turned away. So much for the idea that a gorgeous hot elf could find me remotely attractive then, my brain noted. "Well, what can I say," I stated bitterly, determined not to let him see what I had thought, "I've got good survival instincts. I quite like living y'know?"  
  
Veborion laughed as though I had said the funniest thing he had ever heard. I ground my teeth and started walking back towards the forest. Now I had to put up with an elf who was gorgeous, but not remotely interested in me AND he was going to try and laugh at all my remarks, no matter how rubbish they were.  
  
Suddenly I wished for dragons to eat me, for a balrog to try and kill me or spiders to wrap me up in a web and slowly crush me to death. Anything but Veborion doing this to me. Then I realised he was still laughing. I turned back and sighed as I did so. Annoying elf or not, not even I was cruel enough to leave him to the mercy of the 'Sues' regardless of how pissed I was at him in that moment.  
  
"Coming?"  
  
Veborion ceased laughing abruptly, proving exactly how fake his laughter was and started to follow me. I again turned to face the forest and started off once again.  
  
Idiot.  
  
***********************  
  
Hmm. What about that one then? Different? Have a few ideas. Not too sure what I'm going to do with them yet. R&R as usual please! 


	40. Light My Fire.

Aaaaah! What an abomination! Some things should be stopped before they're even started. What am I talking about? Why that truly utterly dreadful version of 'light my fire' as 'sung' (and I use the term 'sung' very loosely indeed) by pop idol will young. I'd say it was evil – but that would be a compliment. Burning is too good for the copies of that song. Jim Morrison of The Doors must be spinning in his grave… So this chapter is dedicated to Jim. This one's for you – because I'm feeling sorry for you after your song was desecrated. Still ain't mine. No change there then.  
  
Light My Fire.  
  
Veborion walked behind me virtually silently. Every so often I would turn around to check he was still there and he was always smiling. Smiling in a kind of 'yes I'm smiling because I want you to like me because you're saving my life here' as opposed to the 'I'm smiling because I like you' way.  
  
"Sometimes," I muttered as I looked up at the sky "Life sucks."  
  
***  
  
Gradually it became dark and I'd had enough. I stopped and set about making a fire. At which I failed miserably. I sighed.  
  
"Vebby," I said frustrated by my lack of fire-lighting skills, "Do the honours." I gestured towards the pitiful attempt I had made.  
  
Seconds later the wood was alight.  
  
***  
  
I leant against a tree and tried to get comfortable. I was tired. No, actually I was shattered. Unfortunately for me, Veborion had forgotten that I was a mere fangirl and was suggesting that we put more distance between the Palace and us.  
  
"For the FIFTH time the answer is NO."  
  
"But we should try and get as far away as possible…"  
  
"I said no."  
  
"But it would be wise to…"  
  
"I. SAID. NO."  
  
"But could we just…"  
  
"NO."  
  
"But what if…"  
  
"NO."  
  
"But why…"  
  
"Look Vebby dearest," I said through clenched teeth. "I said NO. What part of NO don't you understand?"  
  
Veborion slouched down against a tree in defeat.  
  
"Good. Now we'll rest here and move on tomorrow. How's that sound?"  
  
"I still say we should move tonight."  
  
"You wanna go? Be my guest." I grinned as I saw the expression on Veborion's face. "Look, if you aren't tired, why don't you do something useful like go out on watch?" Veborion got up and wandered off to check our safety. "At last. Peace and quiet."  
  
I should have known it was too good to last.  
  
***  
  
I woke up to the sound of shouting.  
  
"Fangirl! Fangirl! Argh! Fangirl! HELP!"  
  
"Vebby?" I asked and got to my feet trying to wake up.  
  
"Fangirl! Help!"  
  
I figured out where the noise was coming from and made my way towards it. "Vebby if you don't have a damn good reason for waking me up you are going to be in serious trouble."  
  
"HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPP!"  
  
I realised that he obviously did have a good reason and began to run towards where the yelling was coming from. "Vebby? Where are you?" Finding things in a forest in the middle of the night was clearly not one of my strong points.  
  
"Fangi…" Veborion's voice was abruptly cut off. And I was getting worried.  
  
I crashed through the forest and was confronted by Veborion fighting against several shadowy figures. And then it dawned on me who the creatures were. They were the creatures I had promised to help wipe out the race of elves.  
  
"Oh dear." I took a deep breath. "Hello boys!"  
  
***  
  
"Congratulations!" The leader declared. "You have brought us the elf prince."  
  
I smiled weakly and risked a glance at Veborion's face. He looked furious. Fortunately he was gagged and as yet was unable to express his fury, for which I was most grateful.  
  
"Yeah, well y'know, I said I would help. Wasn't easy mind…"  
  
"But it is done now. Better than we ever hoped. We suspected that you would betray us."  
  
"Me?" I asked incredulously. "Never."  
  
The leader seemed pleased. And he was. Until that fateful moment when Veborion's gag worked loose. Oops.  
  
Idiot.  
  
************************  
  
Oooh! What's gonna happen next? Well if I had my way something nasty to the person who thought it was a good idea that 'light my fire' should be covered by that, that… *author wanders off muttering to find her book on torture to mete out appropriate punishment* R&R as usual please folks! 


	41. Spin Spin Sugar.

Apologies for taking sooo long on this chapter. I did write it but wasn't happy with it, and then I got sent a hoax virus email and stupidly believed it. *kicks herself in disbelief at her own brainless action* Consequently I screwed my computer up and had to wait until my beloved brother could come and fix it for me. Cheers bruv!  
  
Many many thanks to all my reviewers! Two answers to questions asked – no Vebby doesn't know my name – I am merely 'fangirl' and the reason the 'sues' are on the rampage is they've just discovered the object of their lust was not quite what they expected. This chapter's dedicated to Whamsicle, Sprite, Ruth and Helen. Whamsicle for giving me possibly one of my favourite reviews ever – do you know just how much I laughed when I read 'fuck you Vebby'? Sprite for offering me my own elfie – something I have always wanted. Helen for putting up with very long phonecalls to discuss virtually nothing, for having a bbq in her house when her parents weren't there and for taking me for a drive to revisit our childhood. Finally to Ruth my sister in law who spent her Saturday night waiting for her husband to fix the car door and in doing so read my entire story and sat down and watched 'Labyrinth' with me. I am surrounded by people with endless patience who indulge my every whim *grins* lucky me! Hmm. Pity no one will give me the rights to LOTR. Ah well…  
  
Spin Spin Sugar.  
  
I was sulking. Big time sulking. And what made it worse was I couldn't moan about it to anyone. Voicing my temper on anyone was not possible at that moment. And why I hear you ask? Simple. Because I was gagged and bound. Thanks to the oh so bright and annoying elf known as Prince Veborion.  
  
What made me even more annoyed was that aforementioned elf was currently tied up and leaning on me. Putting his full weight on me on purpose. Bastard. As if I wasn't feeling crappy enough already he had to try and squash me. Never mind the fact that this was all his fault in the first place.  
  
Yep that's right. Right about that moment his gag had slipped I was planning a way of getting both him and me out of the mess we had ended up in. At least I was until…  
  
"You! You betrayed us! You traitor!" Veborion howled as he lunged at me.  
  
I hesitated. Big mistake.  
  
"You pretended to save my life, but it was all part of a larger plan to trick me! To trick us! You foul spawn of Sauron! You offspring of an orc! You, you…" He trailed off for a moment, unable to think of any decent insult, "FANGIRL!" He hissed as he managed to advance on me.  
  
The creatures watched as Veborion got to where I was standing. And they continued to watch as he proceeded to knock me off balance so that I fell down onto the ground. They even watched me as I knocked my head on a rather large rock and everything went black.  
  
***  
  
I came to tied up with the leader of the creatures standing over me, sneering. "Welcome back."  
  
I ignored him. I also ignored the ropes that were tied tightly around my wrists. All I was thinking about was the amount of damage all this getting knocked unconscious was doing for my brain. Particularly as I had never had any of this kind of damage done to my head before. Then the leader kicked me.  
  
"What?" I mumbled, glaring up at him.  
  
"How's our little traitor doing then?"  
  
"Been better."  
  
"Surprised?" He asked.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Are you surprised?"  
  
"Err… About?"  
  
"That we caught you. Traitor."  
  
I sighed. Enough of the pretence I decided. "Well, dearest Vebby did kind of give me away."  
  
He snorted. "You think we would believe a word that elf says?"  
  
"Well…"  
  
He waved his hand in a gesture for me to shut up before continuing. "You are more of a fool than I ever thought. Did you not realise that we knew what the celebration was for? That we did not know the elves were celebrating the uniting of you and the elf in marriage? That we did not realise from the moment you spoke that you would betray us? That…"  
  
"Now hang on a minute…" I said interrupting his flow, "that was for me and my 'marriage' to Veborion?" I thought back to the events in the Throne room including Thranduil's hug and realised that the creature was speaking the truth. The realisation sunk in. In the eyes of Middle Earth I was married. To Veborion.  
  
"OH. MY. GOD."  
  
***  
  
I was still sulking. And now my arm was getting numb thanks to my husband. Now I was pissed. Very pissed. In a 'I'm gonna go all out and get Rambo on your ass' kind of pissed. Someone somewhere was going to pay. And I would be the one to extract payment. Of a very large fine. Soon.  
  
I ignored the pain in my body caused mainly by Veborion's weight and focussed. I needed to get out of this and start my revenge. So shut my eyes and began planning. Then I grinned. I knew exactly what I needed, and it was sitting right in front of me.  
  
***  
  
Or more specifically, right in front of me in my bag. Any ideas? Yep you guessed it. My vodka. Or more accurately my vodka bottle. I smirked as I manoeuvred the bag and bottle behind me. Fortunately, the creatures were more or less ignoring me as they huddled around their fire to keep warm during the night. I rolled the bottle to my side and then stopped trying to support Veborion. Gravity claimed the two of us and with out combined weight we crushed the bottle. Into lots of lovely sharp, little pieces of glass.  
  
Idiot.  
  
***************************  
  
Hehehe! I'm free! Or at least I will be soon! R&R please! 


	42. Hammer To Fall.

Am trying this in HTML. Lets see how successful it is, or isn't. Feeling guilty about how long it took me to put up the next chapter. FF.net not helping by going down every time I go to put up the next chapter. Hmm. Middle Earth. That ain't mine. Vebby's glaring is mine however. Let's see how many more he can send my way!

Hammer To Fall.

Lovely pieces of glass that were now sticking in my arm. So much for that smart idea, my brain commented ruefully as I tried to shove Veborion off me. It didn't work. Obviously he wants out of this marriage as quickly as possible and now he's trying to suffocate me I decided.

"Get off me you stupid elf!" I shouted. Well at least that's what I tried to say. With the combined efforts of Veborion crushing me and my gag, well, gagging me it came out more like,

"Mmph mrmphh mrm yrmm strmm frf!"

Fortunately Veborion had had enough of crushing me and rolled off to find a more comfortable position. 

"Thank god for that." I tried to say. And I'll leave it up to your imagination as to how well that sentence came out.

***

Five minutes later and I had managed to use one of the larger bits of glass to cut through the ropes that had tied my hands. Next I did my feet and finally my mouth. I sighed in relief and then winced at the pain in my wrists and ankles as the feeling began to return to them. 

I decided to wait for a while to give myself a chance to recover. In all likelihood I'd have to make a sharp exit from my former comrades and I wanted to make sure I was going to be able to run fast not just try to stand and collapse as my body realised just how painful being tied up could be.

I also had another problem. Namely my husband Veborion. HUSBAND! My mind screamed. What the fuck?! I looked over at the elf that everybody believed to be my beloved. Everybody except me that is.

I pondered the subject that is Veborion. Okay I'll admit I did find him attractive if somewhat annoying. Ok, ok I know I find him extremely attractive, particularly when he's only got a towel on and when he's just got out of the bath and the water is running in… Stop that! I inwardly shouted. Now is not the time to be thinking of such things. 

I wrenched my thoughts away from a very inviting picture of Veborion clad in a very small towel and a come hither look on his face and put it away in my mind in the 'Things Not To Be Thought Of, Especially When You Are In Real Danger' room. 

***

Eventually I decided to cut the bonds on his feet and his hands. He looked at me with yet another of his glares and I motioned for him to remain silent whilst I cut through his gag. I grabbed my bag with one hand and grabbed my husband with the other and we left the clearing and the creatures that wanted us dead.

***

After putting some serious distance between the creatures and us I called a halt to our escape. I was shattered, both emotionally and physically and my arm was bleeding from where I had landed on my former vodka bottle. 

"We cannot stop! We are still not safe." Veborion stated glaring down at me.

"Look Vebby I've had enough ok? I can't take any more."

"Then I shall leave you here." He said and began walking away from me.

"Hello? Where the hell do you think you're going?"

"Away. From you."

"Excuse me? I saved your life back there."

"I owe you nothing."

"So you're just going to leave me here. What happens if they catch up with me?" I said gesturing back the way we had just come from.

"That is your problem. Not mine."

"What a charmer." I commented sarcastically. "Hey girls! You wanna elf? You wanna real elf prince? Bit of a bastard but hey, going cheap. Take mine!" I announced to the sky in the style of a presenter on the shopping channel. 

Veborion didn't even bother glaring back at me.

I tried again. "You ungrateful pig! I saved your life!" Picking up the nearest stick and throwing it at his head. It hit him and he turned around.

"Just as I saved yours." He answered folding his arms across his chest.

"When?" 

"If we were not married you would be dead."

"I saved your life from Thingy too." I stated, determined to win this.

"I saved your worthless life from the spider."

"What?!" I thought back along my adventures in Middle Earth and remembered the unknown creature that had saved my life when I was about to be eaten by a spider. "That was you?" I paused, then asked the only question I could. "Why?"

He mumbled something in response.

"Sorry, what? I didn't hear you."

He took a breath before answering clearly. "I was not aiming for the spider."

"You weren't aiming for the spider? What were you aiming for then?"

"You."

***

Well that sure was a kick in the gut so to speak I thought wryly as I gazed at a distinctly unrepentant Veborion. 

"Just when you think you've got it all figured out," I murmured more to myself than anyone else, "life comes along and…" I trailed off shaking my head. I sighed. "Look," I said glancing up at Veborion. "It's not just that I'm tired of running around this damn forest that's causing me to stop."

"What then?" He asked in a tone that showed neither interest nor concern.

"Honestly? I don't know what to do. The Palace is overrun by the 'Sues' and the forest is full of evil creatures that want to overrun the planet. Right about now I'm out of ideas." I sighed. "And I sacrificed the rest of my vodka. There was a good half a bottle left y'know. Added to that my feet feel like they've been deprived of blood for a month."

Suddenly a new voice spoke out. "Did someone mention blood?"

***

I scrambled to my feet at the sound of the new voice. Veborion also looked surprised by the arrival of whatever the heck had glowy red eyes and wait a minute! Fangs?

"Who and more importantly what the hell are you?" I asked watching the new creature emerge from the darkness. The creature remained silent but came closer and closer to Veborion and me. Instinctively we edged closer together. Then my brain's wheels began to turn. 

"Red eyes, fangs, affinity to darkness, interested in blood…" I trailed off and the reality of what had just appeared sunk in. "Aww shit man!" I exclaimed. "When the **fuck** did Middle Earth end up with vampires?!"

Idiot.

********************************** 

Argh! It's just one thing after another innit? Dunno where the vampires thing came from. Just kinda happened. *shouts* Dammit Flopsy! *glares over at captive plot bunny owned by friend* Just when I thought I'd figured it all out! R&R please!


	43. BloodSugarSexMagik

iblyEnjoying it? Not much more now with any luck. That is of course if FF.net doesn't keep screwing up. Hmm. Have just read the most complimentary description of 'Mary Sues' ever. Actually made them seem like a good idea. Was up on one of my Yahoo groups after someone asked for a definition of them. Was tempted to point out flaws until I remembered just how many of the damn things I had read on that particular group and restrained myself as I wasn't in the mood to be kicked off the list. Ah well – maybe I'll do it tomorrow instead! LOTR ain't mine. Neither is Buffy for that matter…

BloodSugarSexMagik.

I gulped. Vampires were not something I'd had previous experience with. And I wanted to keep it that way. Unfortunately for me it seemed that fate had other ideas.

"What is this creature?" Veborion asked noticing the way I was slowly edging backwards from the vampire.

"Vampire. Immortal. Drinks blood. Evil. Will kill us." I stated, continuing to try and put as much space between the vampire and me.

Veborion frowned. "You are afraid of this 'vampire'?" He asked puzzled by my obvious fear.

"Veborion," I said not even bothering to look at him, "this thing will kill us. In a very nasty manner. So for once in your life could you be a little less dense and figure out a way to kill it?"

Veborion glared. If I hadn't have been so worried about the vampire I would have laughed. Glaring is his answer for everything.

***

The vampire closed the small distance between it and us in what seemed like no time at all. Then he grabbed me and began to sink his fangs into my neck. Veborion could only look on in utter disbelief. And to my eternal shame I whimpered. Yes, me, fangirl who had faced off orcs, spiders and even an elven-king's hug. I was absolutely petrified. Fortunately fate decided to take a hand on my side for a change.

I was beginning to loose consciousness when suddenly I felt the fangs being ripped from my throat and watched as the vampire exploded into dust in front of my face. I was stunned. 

"Fuck me." I said in awe realising who was standing in front of me with a wooden stake in her hand. "Buffy?!"

***

The blonde looked at me and frowned. "Do I know you?"

"Err. No. Not really. You just look like…" And how was I going to explain this one I wondered_. 'You just look like someone who isn't real in a tv show about vampires called Buffy The Vampire Slayer_' is not going to go down too well with someone who is actually the REAL Buffy the Vampire Slayer. "Someone I know. Called Buffy." I finished lamely.

A noise came from somewhere in the trees. Buffy shot off to see whether it was another vampire and Veborion and I were alone again.

I sank to my knees. The loss of blood from my neck was beginning to affect my senses and I could barely stand. Veborion crouched down and inspected my neck.

"It looks bad." He stated.

"Really?" I asked weakly. "Feels worse."

"It needs to be treated."

"I would never have guessed." I drawled. "Don't suppose that besides being a Prince you're also a doctor are you?" 

"I have a few healing skills but none to deal with this."

I groaned. Now I was going to bleed to death from a vampire bite in the middle of Mirkwood forest? "Life sure has a lot of twists and turns." I commented gazing up at the sky. I took a breath and pulled myself to my feet. 

"Well? Come on then." I said to Veborion who was looking up at me with a very surprised look on his face as I started walking away from him.

"But…" He stopped himself from saying whatever he planned to and instead said, "Where are we going?"

"Palace. Sooner I get fixed up less likely I am to drop down dead." I paused and added an incentive "Don't want everyone thinking you left your new wife out here to die now do you?"

Something in my sentence obviously meant something to Veborion as for the first time since I had met him he paled. 

He caught up with me and grabbed my hand, pulling me back to face him. 

"What?" 

"The Palace is this way."

***

At some point I passed out. I don't recall much about the journey only that when I came to Veborion was carrying me. I could have fooled myself with the thought that he was worried about me, but I knew that wasn't true. In reality it must have been something to do with what I had said earlier. As unconsciousness reclaimed me I wondered exactly why it had bothered him so much.

***

Eventually I woke up in a bed with my neck bandaged. I yawned and surveyed my surroundings as I stretched. 

"Hmm. Palace." I said as I noted the style of the room I was in. "Not Vebby's room. Wonder where hubby dearest is?"

Moments later there was a discreet knock on the door.

"Come in."

"Ahh you are awake at last." Said a voice. 

I looked up. Not Vebby. No far worse. Elven-king with a penchant for hugging. Or beheading depending on your circumstances. Then I remembered something. Something that everyone else in Middle Earth believed in. Something that I really would rather forget. And avoid. My 'marriage' to Veborion. 

"Ahh. Hello King Thranduil." I said, not for the first time wishing I was far away from him.

***

The king however was not there to discuss the wedding for which I was truly grateful for. Instead he wished to talk about the creatures that wished to take over Middle Earth.

"Veborion did not see them clearly. Do you know what they were?" He questioned.

"They never told me, but there was something familiar about them…" I trailed off and shook my head in frustration. "If I could just remember what it was!"

"There, there dear." Thranduil said patting my hand reassuringly, "Do not trouble you pretty little head about these matters. Just concentrate on getting better so you and my son can…"

And I was never more grateful to see Veborion walk into the room without knocking beforehand. I REALLY did not want to know where Thranduil was going with that particular sentence.

"Father, there is a problem with the others." He said gesturing at me. "A big problem." 

I frowned. 'The Others'? Had he just seen the film or something? Then it dawned on me. He meant the others who had come to Middle Earth like me. He meant the 'Sues'.

I gulped. Now what were they up to?

Idiot.

**************************

No more from Buffy – although I am a fan. *grins* Not much more on this story either so R&R now please!


	44. Locked Out.

Err. Sprite. Email? *scratches head* what email? And this one's for Starbrat in celebration of finishing finals and for Tina – who faithfully reviews every chapter! Also – everyone go check out Sprite's Me & My Elfie. It's damn good – and hey! I'm in the new chapter! *Does crazy dance around the room* It still ain't mine – but that isn't for want of trying…  
  
Locked Out.  
  
Thranduil and Veborion left the room deep in conversation together. Me? I was still in bed, wondering what the heck the 'Sues' were getting into now. Exactly how much trouble could a bunch of them (or should that be gaggle? Or herd? Just what is the collective name for a group of 'Sues I wonder?) get into?  
  
I pondered this for a while. The longer I thought the more lurid and disturbing the ideas became. I decided that staying in bed and conjuring up images of the 'Sues' was probably far more frightening than anything they could come up with themselves. After making that reassuring assumption I got out of bed and made for the door, determined to find out just what had been going on in the Palace whilst I was recovering from my injuries.  
  
***  
  
After wandering what seemed like endless corridors within the Palace I finally came across a locked door, behind which there were some very irate voices. Including one, which sounded suspiciously like Thranduil's.  
  
"…If you had not invited them to this ridiculous charade for that worthless son of yours…"  
  
"You question my decisions? In my own Palace? What manner of…" That had to be Thranduil, I noted and boy, does he sound pissed.  
  
"…If you had not revealed exactly what Legolas was we would not have this problem." The other voice, which also sounded vaguely familiar, thundered, "Now the whole of Middle Earth is under threat! How do you expect us to return to our own lands under the threat of these creatures? You have seen their skills in defeating their enemies, not counting their immeasurable beauty. One look at them and our armies become useless! One entire division of Rivendell's archers tried to use their bows as instruments in accompaniment to their songs of undying love and devotion as they sang to the creatures! They are unstoppable!"  
  
I could take no more of my curiosity. Who was the owner of the other voice? He sounded so, so, well, 'kingly'. I peeked through the keyhole. Of course. I mentally slapped my head. Who else would sound 'kingly' but Aragorn?  
  
"I am such an imbecile sometimes." I muttered to myself. Then I glanced at the other occupants of the room. Pretty much every race on Middle Earth was present. Wizards, Elves, Dwarves… I was pleased to note that Legolas and Gimli had obviously made up, sitting as they were on a bench together, with Gimli holding onto Legolas's hand tightly.  
  
Nice ring too. Very big and sparkly. The dwarves had dug deep into their mines for that one I noted enviously. Wish that Vebby would buy me a… NO STOP IT! Dammit! I inwardly shouted. Now is not the time for such things! I sighed and turned my attention back to the room.  
  
I listened for a few more minutes as the suggestions for defeating the 'Sues' became more and more bizarre. My personal favourite involving apples. No don't even THINK of asking. You really do not want to know.  
  
I shook my head as I realised that they were no closer to coming up with a solution than they were in the beginning. My thoughts also turned back to rings and Vebby. Not that he'd ever buy me a ring. I resolutely turned my thoughts away from anything to do with 'rings' and Veborion in the same context. I had more important things to think about.  
  
Because I knew that something somewhere wasn't right. Something somewhere was missing. If I could just remember what the heck it was.  
  
"My memory is like a sieve." I declared to the empty corridor I had wandered down. "Argh!" I let out a shout of frustration. "If I could just remember… Whatever the heck I'm trying to remember! ARGH! It's driving me insane!" I shook my head and sighed, annoyed at myself and the situation. I looked up at the ceiling. "No help up there are you?" I said aloud to it. "Well if you aren't going to help then maybe looking at the floor will provide answers."  
  
And amazingly enough it did.  
  
Everything became clear. I couldn't believe it. Why hadn't I realised it earlier?  
  
Idiot.  
  
********************************  
  
Ahhhhh. Confused? Hehehe. Will be revealed in next chapter! R&R please! 


	45. Left To My Own Devices.

All hating me for the cliffhanger? *laughs hysterically* look I don't get much fun at the moment – I have to get my amusement from somewhere. Well perhaps this will clear things up a little for you all…

Oh and *frowns* it's not mine. What's new?

Left To My Own Devices.

What had I seen on the floor that was so enlightening? My feet. 

"FEET! FEET! FEET! FEET!"

The door that had been locked burst open and all the members of what I had mentally named 'Thranduil's Council' came out to see what the commotion was. Veborion reached me first.

"What is it?"

"FEET!" I declared wildly pointing at my feet. "FEET! FEET! FEET!"

Veborion looked at me as though I had gone mad. "Yes." He said slowly and carefully. "And?"

"NO! YOU DON'T GET IT! IT'S FEET! FEET! FEET! FEET!" 

"Yes I understand." He said calmly.

"NO! I'VE FIGURED IT OUT! SEE? IT'S FEET!"

"Of course it is my child." Said Thranduil in a very calm voice. "Veborion," He turned to his son and whispered something into Veborion's ear.

"Yes. Of course." Veborion said in answer to his father's whispered words. "The loss of blood has obviously affected her mind. I will take her back to her room to recover." He took my hand in a very firm grasp. "Excuse us."

***

Twenty minutes later and I was back in my room with the door locked. Veborion had told me in no uncertain terms that I should get some rest. And to make sure that I did there was a guard outside my door to see that I wasn't disturbed.

"Humph!" I snorted as I glared at the door Veborion had just closed. "Is the guard to keep others out or to keep me in I wonder." I glanced around the room. I needed to get out and act on my newfound knowledge. 

Of course there was one slight problem. And that was what exactly I was going to do with my knowledge. A noise from the other side of the Palace distracted me from my musings. Must be the 'Sues' my brain noted. Then it hit me. Who would be better than the 'Sues'? They were perfect! In fact they were practically perfect in every way!

***

"This was not one of my better ideas." I commented aloud as I hung onto the bed sheets that I had used to try and climb out of the window with. "And they always make it look so easy in any films." 

I groaned as I tried to remove one of my hands to place it further down the sheet in an attempt to get closer to the ground.

Unfortunately it seemed that somewhere between my brain and my hand the instruction for _'release sheet and move hand down before holding sheet firmly again'_ had got mixed up with _'We're all going to die! Don't even think about letting go of the sheet!'_. Consequently getting down to the ground was taking a little longer than I had previously anticipated.

Then I realised that my hands were beginning to ache. "Oh dear. Not good." I said, "Come on hands! Move! Move! Move!" 

My hands are not connected to my ears and consequently did not hear my order to start working. Eventually I half slid half fell down the remainder of the sheet. Once on the ground I did a quick check over to see that I wasn't too badly hurt and headed off to find the 'Sues'.

***

The 'Sues' had taken over the kitchens. Quite why they found it necessary to do so I never got around to asking, but I figured it was probably something to do with the whole 'Mary Sue' thing. After all, they are perfect in every way and tend to be satisfying to all males. And what's the old saying again? 'The way to a man's heart is through his stomach?' Maybe that explained it. I really was not interested in the way their minds worked. There are very few things that I can imagine being scarier.

Anyway, what I really wanted was to put my proposal to them, using of course my brand new knowledge.

***

"Hi there!" I declared. "How's it going?" 

The 'Sues' looked up from their various tasks. Seeing that I was not originally from Middle Earth they collectively decided that I was not a threat. For which I was eternally grateful. Taking on a room of drop dead gorgeous killing machines was not on my list of things to do. At least not on that particular day. 

"Err…" Now how to make my proposal. Well, best way to do it as they're all ignoring you is to get straight to the point, my brain argued. "It's about Legolas."

The room as one turned to look at me. And they did not look happy. Not happy at all.

"Way to go brain," I muttered. "Just get them all pissed at me so I don't manage to make it out of this room alive why don'tcha?"

Well it got their attention didn't it? My brain answered back smugly.

"Yeah. Cheers." I said through clenched teeth as I watched all the 'Sues' start to advance towards me with murderous expressions on their faces.

I gulped.

Idiot.

**********************

Posting this up early as I have something real depressing to do later. The "FEET! FEET!" Will all be explained soon! Honest! Anyone guessed yet? Hehehe. And what's my proposal for the Sues? Next chapter will reveal all. Probably. R&R please! And cheer me up!


	46. Lady Luck

Just a brief one – it ain't mine and in all likelihood it never will be. No news there then is there?

Lady Luck.

As the 'Sues' advanced towards me I tried desperately to think of a way out of what I had got myself into.

"Look, err, I know you're all really pissed at what happened, and I know that you want to get revenge." I said hoping that this would get their attention. 

It didn't. And they kept coming closer and closer. And some still had the kitchen utensils they were using. The ones with the knives looked really frightening. But I was slightly puzzled as to what one of them intended to do with the soup ladle.

"And I can help you. Y'know to get revenge? I know who is responsible for all this mess." I said still retreating towards the door.

They stopped advancing. Then the one I recognised as Galadriel's long forgotten third daughter who was half elf and half unicorn (and no I didn't ask how that had happened – some things you're better off not knowing) hissed. "Tell us."

***

Two hours later and I had come to the end of my tale. The 'Sues' had been a very good audience all things considered, rarely asking questions and all listening intently. 

I could see that I had shocked them. To be honest the real reason for what had happened had shocked me when I had figured it out. And then I had realised how obvious the answer to the question was. Thranduil was wrong when he had said that Sauron had been responsible for the lies that had been told about the fellowship. Very wrong indeed.

"So," Finally Galadriel's third daughter spoke, "They are the reason for all this. I never would have guessed." 

The 'Sues' murmured amongst themselves. Most admitted that they too would never have thought of the reason for all that had happened. I inwardly agreed with them, but then I never had thought that Mary Sues were the most imaginative of creatures. 

Eventually the murmurs stopped and the room looked at me expectantly. I nervously wondered what they wanted. At last the amazingly beautiful yet wilful daughter of Thranduil's most trusted advisor spoke. "So what do we do now?"

***

We laid plans together. Our plan was perfect. Brilliant. We would get our revenge on those that had tricked us. All was ready. Now all we had to do was strike and strike fast and hard. 

I gloated. Now finally someone would pay for all the shit I had put up with since my arrival in Middle Earth and I was using the ultimate war machines to get it. I felt ruthless and powerful. And boy did it feel good. 

First however we decided to get some rest before we set out to do what we had to do. The 'Sues' were inevitably generous with all that they had and offered me food made by their own fair hands and a place to rest which was the most comfortable in the rooms they had occupied. 

Me? Well I'm not the most generous of creatures although I can be amazingly greedy at times and took all they offered. I grinned. Who would have thought it? I was going to war with creatures that I despised and I felt damn good about it. After all I mused, with the 'Sues' on my side who will stand against us?

***

Surprisingly I had not been influenced by the 'Sues' and their overwhelming power unlike before. I did wonder why this was and raised it as a question as I was about to lie down and go to sleep.

"Because you are one of us." Came the response from one of Elrond's daughters. I wasn't sure which one it was.

"WHAT?!" I spluttered in disbelief and horror jumping up out of my bed, "NO WAY! I AM NOT ONE OF YOU! I DON'T HAVE THE HAIR! OR THE LOOKS! OR THE AMAZING BATTLE SKILLS! OR THE…"

"You are one of us." Was the firm answer from Galadriel's daughter. "You came for Legolas did you not?" 

"Well err…" Well ok she had me there. "Yes."

"Then you are one of us. When this is finished you will join with us in creating a new place for us and our kind." She stated gesturing at the others in the room with her arm.

I ignored the whole 'creating a new world order' bit and asked, "Okay, but if I'm one of you now how come you affected me so much in the throne room?"

She shrugged. "It is not my place to determine these things. Perhaps you had not accepted what you truly were and the struggle within was what made you do what you did."

"Fine." I sighed. "Whatever." I turned back to my bed and collapsed heavily onto it. Just when I thought things were finally coming together I discovered that I was apparently now a Mary Sue. 

"Please no." I begged whatever deity might have been listening, "Anything but that." I shoved my head further into the pillow in an attempt to get away from the revelation that I was supposed to be a Mary Sue. 

"I hope they're wrong." I mumbled into the pillow. "Please let them be wrong."

I groaned deeply as I tried to lose myself in sleep. But at the back of my mind I feared the idea that I had become that which I truly despised.

I WAS NOW BELIEVED TO BE A MARY SUE.

I groaned again. Could my luck get any worse?

Idiot.

**************************************

oh dear. Am I really a dreaded 'sue'? and who is this who's responsible for all the trouble? And what 'new world order' will the 'sues' plan? And will I ever answer all these questions? And will that damned plot bunny ever leave me alone? 


	47. Fight Music.

Hmm. Could it be that ff.net is working? *crosses fingers* soon find out. Still not mine.

Fight Music.

Waking next morning I found the 'Sues' were already prepared for battle. I smiled amused at the thought that me, the biggest wimp that I know was going to war. Then I frowned and muttered, "Which part of me exactly thought that this was a good idea?"

"We are ready." Stated one of the 'Sues'. "Here." She said handing me a bow and a quiver full of arrows.

"Err. Thanks." I said half- heartedly looking at what I had just been given. I couldn't remember the last time I had a bow in my hands. Suffice to say it was a very long time ago and the target was not a living, breathing creature. 

I glanced around the room and watched my comrades as they picked up their own weapons and started to leave the room in formation. I looked back down at the bow and arrows and shrugged. "What the hell." I muttered, "Can't be that hard can it?"

As I made my way towards the door I noticed a carving knife that one of the 'Sues' had been using the night before. "What the fuck?" I asked rhetorically as I picked it up and shoved it in my bag. "Just in case."

***

We marched into the forest. Unsurprisingly the 'Sues' were excellent trackers. 

"Obviously searching for Merry and Pippin as the tenth member of the fellowship does have some advantages." I muttered beneath my breath almost silently.

Finally we found what we were looking for. We were searching for the tracks of the creatures that had plotted to overthrow the elves. And there were the tracks. Headed towards the Palace.

"Dammit!" I exclaimed as I realised that the creatures were going probably going to attack the Palace. I turned to the 'Sues' "Looks like we're going back to where we started ladies." 

As one the formation of 'Sues' turned back to the Palace and at a very quick march, which I had trouble keeping up with we moved back towards the Palace.

***

This time however we were a lot faster. As I tried desperately to keep up with the 'Sues' I realised that this was because we were not trying to hide our movements, as we were when we were looking for the creatures. Good thing we aren't hiding from anything this time, my brain commented with a snigger, we sound like a herd of rampaging elephants.

"Or should that be oliphants?" I puffed aloud as I jogged to keep up with the 'Sues' "Aww who the fuck cares?" I groaned as the pace increased.

***

Finally we made it back to the Palace. And not a moment too soon. Battle had already commenced between the creatures and the elves. Both the dwarves and men helped the elves. Unfortunately the creatures were far more powerful than they looked and their leader had cast a spell that made the creatures look like those that they were attacking. 

"Must be the same spell he used on Thingy." I noted. "Hmm." This would take some planning.

*** 

Gathering the 'Sues' around me I held my own short council of war. Within minutes I realised that as we were not original inhabitants of Middle earth we could see through the spell that had been cast. 

"Convenient." I said aloud. "Right then ladies. Shall we?" 

And with those words I launched into what was probably the worst war Middle Earth had seen since, well, since the last war in Middle Earth.

***

I found I was actually not that bad at firing my arrows. Although I tended to shoot to hurt, not shoot to kill. And anyway, once the creatures were injured the spell seemed to lose its potency and those who were fighting could see what they really were.

Of course if I had thought about it I would have realised just how stupid I was being. But those kind of thoughts only come with hindsight unfortunately. 

"You will die for this fangirl!" Declared the leader of the creatures as he saw that I was leading the 'Sues'.

And me with more stupidity than I could have ever imagined that I possessed said something that I'd always wanted to say.

"Come and have a go, if you think you're hard enough!"

Idiot.

*************************

Shorter chapter today folks. Am tired and am trying to plan next few chapters ahead – for a change. Last one will (hopefully) be chapter 50. With any luck. And I have to have a meeting with my brother later *groans* soooo not looking forward to that… R&R please!


	48. Take A Bow.

Hello. Another chapter. And this isn't mine. No changes there then.

Take A Bow.

I glared at the leader of the creatures as he scowled at me. Amazingly enough he seemed intimidated by my glare, but then I had been taking lessons from that expert of glarers Veborion.

"You shall pay for all the trouble that you have caused!" He declared as he advanced towards me.

I gulped. Glaring is all very well and good, but it doesn't actually do much. And right about now I needed to be doing something. Preferably running away.

Running however, was not an option as I was surrounded by the battle going on around me. It was as though the world around me was moving in slow motion and all that I could focus clearly on was the creature directly in front of me that intended to kill me.

"Right about now, I could do with some serious help." I commented to myself. 

And all that changed was the creature took another step towards me.

***

I trembled at the sight of the malevolence that I could see within the creature's eyes. I knew that he was going to kill me and he would not make it quick. 

"I could really really do with some help." I muttered as I watched, hypnotised as he gradually came closer and closer. And then I remembered something.

I smirked evilly as he raised his sword ready to strike the first blow. Didn't he know who I was? And more importantly what I was? I decided to tell him.

"Hmmhmm." I cleared my throat to get his attention, fixing him with a gaze that showed only bemusement as opposed to the fear he had seen only seconds before. His sword wavered and remained in the air.

"You do know what I am don't you?" I asked.

"Of course," He sneered. "Fangirl."

To his amazement I laughed. He faltered; wondering whether there was something he should be afraid of or whether I was bluffing.

"Tut tut tut." I said shaking my head at him. "Do you really not know?" I smirked. "I'm not just a fangirl." I paused for dramatic effect and looked him straight in the eye. "I'M A MARY SUE."

The creature looked at me in what can only be described as utter terror, before turning and running away from me as fast as his legs could carry him.

I cackled and then raised my bow languidly taking an arrow from my quiver and slowly taking aim at the creature that had already reached the edge of the forest. I let fly my arrow and it caught the creature's sleeve, effectively pinning him against one of the trees. I took out another arrow and then another until my enemy was pinned to the trees. His arms and legs spread wide thanks to my perfect shots. I grinned. Perhaps there was more fun to this Mary Sue lark than I had previously realised.

***

Finally the battle was over. Once my arrows had stopped the leader, the rest of the creatures soon gave up their fight. The leader was led in chains to the throne room where all the leaders of the kingdoms of Middle Earth sat.

"Whose foul plot was this? Turning our own against us?" Aragorn demanded.

"Why would these creatures attack us?" Thranduil asked.

"What is their purpose?" Eomer questioned.

"Who can explain this to us all?" Wondered Elrond aloud.

The 'Sues' turned as one towards me. Marvellous, I inwardly groaned. One thing I do not want to be is put on the spot in this flipping throne room yet again. I gave a small smile towards the leaders.

"Well?" Demanded Aragorn.

I cleared my throat. "Well here goes nothing." I muttered as I approached. What the heck? Said a small part of my brain. When in doubt fall back on the old classics. "Good idea." I muttered before clearing my throat yet again.

" Well here we go, 'Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears…'"

I trailed off realising I had just confused the room even more than they already were.

Idiot.

******************************

Good grief! More Shakespeare! Cliffhanger! Explanations in the next chapter? Perhaps? Maybe? Possibly? *laughs evilly* well just have to wait and see won't you? Not much more to go now folks! Ahh! The suspense! R&R please!


	49. Telling Stories.

Oooooh. Not mine. Not much left now folks….

Telling Stories.

I took another deep breath. "Nevermind ignore what I just said, I'm just nervous y'know, public speaking and all that always gets to me, I just can't seem to…"

"Enough!" Thundered Aragorn. I stopped my babbling. "Now. Explain."

"Okay well, we have to go back to the beginning. It all started when I came here to err, meet Legolas…"

***

"WHAT?!"

"THIS CANNOT BE!" 

"WHO AMONGST THEM WOULD DO SUCH A THING?"

I sighed. The revelations had not gone well. Not that I had expected them to go smoothly, but as I had only just revealed that Thingaladion was human and had a spell cast upon him to try and assassinate Veborion and I still had a heck of a long way to go was not good. Not counting the fact that now the elves and humans were casting glares that could have frozen the fires of Mount Doom. 

"Look…" I trailed off realising that they weren't listening to me. "Listen…" Well that didn't work either. I took a deep breath, my anger building at being ignored. Patience has never been one of my strong points. I took another deep breath. "DAMMIT WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME?!"

***

After my little outburst the leaders had calmed down. Not that I blamed them mind. I was not someone you'd want to face in a fight with the whole 'Mary Sue' thing going on after all. But now came the moment of real revelation.

"… You see I finally figured it out when I looked down and saw my feet." I paused and took a sip of some water that had been brought to me.

"Feet?" Aragorn questioned leaning forward in his chair. "How so?"

"Well I knew there was something familiar about the creatures that wanted to wipe out the elves, but I couldn't remember. Then when I saw my feet I remembered." I took another sip of my drink before placing it back down on the small table that had been brought out at the same time as the water.

"As I saw my feet I realised that the creatures behind the plot were hobbits."

***

There I thought. How's that for a bit of a shock. I grinned inwardly as I saw the expressions of disbelief on the leaders' faces. Eventually it was Aragorn who spoke.

"I do not believe these lies of the fangirl." He stated glaring down at me. "We all know the bravery of the hobbits from the destruction of the ring. There must be another reason for their actions. They must have been bewitched!"

I didn't flinch. "I never questioned the ones who helped with that." I stated. "But there are others."

"Frodo would never do something like this…" Aragorn continued ignoring my words.

"Not Frodo." I interrupted Aragorn firmly. "Lotho."

***

It was Elrond who recovered first. "WHY?" he asked before realising he had another question, "AND HOW?"

"Well, at the end of the books it makes out as though Lotho got killed by Wormtongue right? But you never see any evidence. Saruman lied. He claimed Lotho was dead whilst all the time he had been imparting his knowledge to the hobbit, intending to use Lotho as one of his loyal servants once chaos had overtaken Middle Earth."

"But the ring was destroyed…" Aragorn interrupted. "There would be no chaos, Middle Earth would have been rebuilt."

"Ahh yes, but you're forgetting something. The books." 

"Books?" Thranduil queried. "What do the books have to do with all this?"

"Saruman planned it. Planned it all. Lotho would change what Bilbo's book really said, like changing Legolas from a female to a male. In doing so, Saruman knew that people from another world would become interested in Middle Earth and some would send themselves here in the guise of fangirls…"

"Ahh, the 'Sues'." Eomer commented.

"Exactly." I said pleased that someone had finally understood. "Eventually, Middle Earth would be overrun by the 'Sues' and chaos would reign. All Saruman had to do was wait for it to happen. Unfortunately for him, he died before it did."

"And Lotho?" Asked Aragorn.

"Lotho just carried out his old master's wishes. He had to pretend to be dead otherwise Frodo and the others might have noticed what he was doing, using magic to change what the book containing the stories of the hobbit and the lord of the rings to be changed. Once he started he figured he'd just carry on, except he would be the ruler of Middle Earth, not his dead master Saruman."

***

"Incredible." Commented Aragorn as I came to the end of my explanations.

I smiled at Aragorn's approval.

"Unbelievable." Eomer said.

I grinned at Eomer's look of awe.

"Amazing." Elrond murmured.

I almost laughed out loud at Elrond's admiring glances.

Thranduil smiled. "Is not my daughter-in-law wonderful?"

I gaped. I'd forgotten about that.

Idiot.

********************************

Ohh! Lots of revelations! Everyone up on who Lotho is? Don't know? Read the book dammit! Still one more chapter to go! What will happen to all the 'Sues'? What will happen with me and Vebby? And hey whatever happened to old Sindy? *Grins* all will be revealed in the next one….


	50. Home And Dry.

Oooh! We're at the end! Shock horror….Two things – LOTR not mine – written by Tolkien. Home And Dry – Written by Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe. I always promised myself I wouldn't quote a song in a fic. I lied.

Home And Dry.

The leader of the 'Sues' stood up in disbelief. "Daughter-in –law?!" She spat. "Traitor!"

"Hey, now hang on just a minute…" I said backing up slowly.

"How could you marry Thranduil's son? This was all just another plot if yours wasn't it? TREACHERY!" She cried, grabbing her sword and swiftly advancing towards me.

"I'm didn't marry Legolas!" I declared desperately, "It's Veborion!"

The 'Sue' looked at me suspiciously. Thranduil got up off his throne and crossed the floor before enveloping me in a bone-crushingly tight hug. "I am most pleased with my son, Veborion's choice." He declared.

I didn't argue. I couldn't breathe.

***

After Thranduil had let me go and I had managed to recover from a serious lack of oxygen, the leader of the 'Sues' came up to me and apologised.

"Don't worry, no harm done…" I choked out.

"I should not have jumped to conclusions so swiftly. You are after all one of us. I regret that you will remain here and not assist us to take over the world."

"Pardon?!" I spluttered. Had I misheard that? "Take over the world? Is that your plan?"

"But of course. What did you think we intended to do?"

"Oh." I frowned. I had not just saved Middle Earth from the evil hobbits to let the 'Sues' take over in their stead. Then inspiration struck me. "Actually, I have a better idea."

She raised an eyebrow at me "Indeed?"

"What you look like you need is a challenge." I stated. "Middle Earth won't be enough of one for you."

"So what do you suggest exactly?"

"Well, there's a place where only you are brave enough to go, you could turn it around, flush out the evil, sort out the land, make it your home…"

She interrupted my sales pitch. "Where?"

I grinned. "Mordor."

***

The 'Sues' discussed my idea at length. Eventually they decided that my plan would be more of a challenge for them, after all if nothing else 'Mary Sues' are designed for a quest are they not?

"Thank you." Said the leader of the 'Sues' as she shook my hand while the rest of the 'Sues' began marching off towards Mordor. 

"No, no." I said, trying to remove my hand from her death grip handshake, "Thank you." She finally let go of my now crushed hand. "And of course, good luck!"

She frowned. "Fair winds." She corrected.

I winced, "Of course, of course." I paused and said through semi- clenched teeth, "Fair Winds."

She turned and marched away towards Mordor.

***

After the 'Sues' had left I realised that the other problem had to be dealt with. Veborion. And my alleged marriage to him. Fortunately I already had a plan. Unfortunately for me as usual my plan was not going to go as well as I'd have hoped.

I managed to get out of the throne room, leaving Thranduil and the others to organise the party in celebration of the defeat of the 'evil' hobbits and of course my marriage to Veborion. Deciding it would be better to get this over and done with I headed for Veborion's room. Finally coming to the door I knocked and entered, closing the door behind me.

Veborion was standing with his back to me in the middle of the room clad in only a towel. Obviously he'd just had a bath as some of his skin was still damp. I gulped. Suddenly my throat appeared to have become very dry indeed.

"Veb…" I gasped out and then took a deep breath trying to calm down my very lustful brain.

"Yes?" He asked casually as he turned to face me.

"Veborion," I paused, taking another deep breath whilst wondering how I was going to phrase this. "Y'know about well, er…" I tried again, "About our marriage."

"Ahh yes. Our marriage." He drawled. "What exactly do you wish to discuss?"

"Well," Ok deep breath, "We aren't really married are we? I mean I just lied to wind up Sindy, didn't I? And you don't want me do you? I mean after all – she was the woman you were supposed to be marrying. Can't we just get you two back together and get it all sorted? Y'know that would make everything…"

He gazed at me for a moment before turning away to face the window. As he looked out across the Palace grounds he spoke again. "I'm afraid that is not possible." He sensed I was about to speak and continued before I could say anything. "Sindaringevardaanwen is to marry another."

"WHAT?! BUT SHE AND YOU… WHAT ABOUT THE…" I was lost for words and was gesturing wildly at Veborion. "BUT I THOUGHT SHE LOVED YOU." I marched over and spun him around to face me. "WHO THE HELL IS SHE MARRYING?"

He looked at me for a moment before answering. "Aragorn."

"WHAT?!"

***

I sank down on the bed in disbelief. Turned out that Veborion and Sindy had been betrothed from a very young age with the proviso that if either did find another worthy of them then the engagement would be terminated. And apparently after saving Middle Earth from evil hobbits and rampaging Mary Sues bent on world domination I was worthy. Lucky me.

I tried a different tack. "But how can Aragorn marry Sindy? After all he married Arwen didn't he?" I saw Veborion frown and hastened to explain. "At least that's what it said in the books…"

"Ahh. Yet another lie from those accursed books. Arwen is married to Haldir."

"Oh." I wondered what to say to that. "Well, learn something new everyday don't you?"

***

For a while we just remained where we were. Then the silence began to get to me. There was something that had to be said.

"I can't stay."

Veborion looked at me, his face inscrutable. After an age he responded. "I know."

I frowned. In my small fantasy mind he would have fallen at my feet and begged me to stay, promising everything and anything to get me to say yes. "So much for someone caring then." I mumbled almost silently. I saw that he was about to say something, but I got there first. "I want to go home."

Veborion looked at me incredulously. "Do you think that I don't care?" He demanded. 

"What?"

"I said," He stated as he walked towards me and pulled me up off the bed, "Do you think that I don't care?"

"Well, err…" I trailed off. Vebby didn't care for me. It was obvious. "You don't."

"I don't?!" He spluttered. "Of course I do!" And to prove it he hauled me into his arms and kissed me. For a moment I couldn't think, couldn't move and couldn't breathe. All I could do was feel his lips, soft, warm and inviting. And his kiss, what a kiss! One of those seared into your memory forever damn good kisses that you wonder what the hell you've been doing wrong all this time with your other kisses. No one had ever tasted or felt this damn good before in my life! His hand touched mine and as he moved something down one of my fingers, I gasped.

Taking advantage of my gasp he deepened the kiss pulling me closer. As I wrapped my arms around his waist he pulled back for a moment. He smiled down at me. "My fangirl." He murmured and then pulled me back into his tight embrace. He bent to kiss me again, but as he began I felt him fading… Fading away from me…

***

"Hey, hey!" A voice penetrated the kiss. Not Veborion. Familiar though… "HEY!"

"Wassamarra Vebby?" I asked jumping up out of my chair. Wait a minute. Chair? When did I end up sitting down?

I turned and looked at the person who was standing next to me. Definitely not Veborion. Not male. Not even an elf. "Ruth?" I gasped looking dazedly up at what appeared to be my very concerned sister-in-law.

"Are you ok?" She asked frowning. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"What are you doing here?" My brain still hadn't kicked in.

"Oh we were downstairs, we heard some odd noises and came to check on you." She smiled looking at my face, "Looks like you fell asleep on your keyboard."

"What?" I touched my face and felt the imprint of the keys on my skin. "Oh."

Ruth gazed down at me, concern evident in her eyes. "Are you sure you're alright?" I nodded. "Well that must have been some dream you had there." She said before leaving me alone in the room with the computer.

"Yeah. Some dream." I commented before heaving myself out of the chair and wandering downstairs.

***

I sat on one of the comfy chairs pretending to listen to family news. I couldn't believe it! I'd dreamed it all. It seemed so real. So damn real. I frowned. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to be back in my dream world with my elf. Cos he obviously was my elf. The kiss certainly proved that. 

"My dream elf." I muttered virtually silently to myself. "Some fucking dream."

Was I really that blind not to recognise that he actually liked me? Was I so dense that I couldn't see when someone found me attractive? I paused and wondered about that, casting my mind back to previous instances with real men as opposed to fantasy ones. I came to the conclusion pretty quickly. Yes it seemed I was that stupid. I frowned again and then realised someone was calling my name.

"What?" I asked abruptly annoyed that I had been pulled out of what had been a very odd but very pleasant fantasy world.

"I said," Ruth's younger sister Sarah spoke louder making sure she had my attention. "That's a nice ring. Where did you get it?"

"Ring? What ring?" I asked and looked down at my hands. There on the third finger of my left hand sat the most beautiful silvery ring. And I definitely did not remember putting it on. Then it hit me. The kiss! He had my hand and slipped on a ring. His ring. This ring! It wasn't a fantasy dream world after all! And I'd just gone and sent myself back to Earth away from him!

"OH. MY. GOD." I said quietly in disbelief staring down at my hand.

"Are you ok?" Sarah asked.

"I think I've just made the biggest mistake ever. Oh god." I jumped up out of my chair and dashed back to my computer. I looked at the screen, it had switched itself off in 'power-saving mode'. "Come on, come on…" 

The screen finally came to life. And a blank page stared back at me. I realised I had made the biggest mistake of my whole life. It really had gone horribly wrong. The only thing that was doing anything on my computer was the cd player. Playing possibly the most grimly ironic song ever.

"Far away

through night and day

you fly long haul tonight

Come to me

you know I'll be

when you call tonight

Oh tonight

I miss you 

Oh tonight

I wish you

Could be here with me

but I won't see you 

'til you've made it back again

Home and dry

Home and dry"

I sank down onto my chair. How could I have been such a complete and utter fool? In fact there was only one word that could sum me up. So I said it aloud with all the bitterness encompassed in it.

"IDIOT."

The end?

************************

Phew! On the fourth attempt to write it, I think I'm satisfied! And that is the end. At least of this story anyway. Love it/hate it?! R&R please!


	51. not a chapter - just a/n

Hmm. Just a few last word from the author. Reviewed this? You should have a mention on the bottom. And hey! If it ever bugged you exactly who wrote/performed the songs I used as chapter titles – this one's for you!

When I started this fic I thought it would be about 5 - 10 chapters at the most. Silly me. Once I had started I found myself naming the chapters after songs I knew. So – here's the list of all the songs and artists…

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Why Does It Always – First song I picked. Proper title is Why Does It Always Rain On Me by Travis. I don't like 'em – it just fitted nicely.

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Stuck In The Middle With You – Steelers Wheel. (sp?) Started getting into the idea of using song titles for chapters.

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I Think We're Alone Now – Tiffany! Oh yeah I am old enough to remember this. Well it made me laugh anyway…

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What Have I Done To Deserve This? – Ahh The Pet Shop Boys feat Dust Springfield. I blame my brother for all the PSB's songs – he used to be a big fan. 

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Hello? Is It Me You're Looking For - not actually a song I really like. But it's Stevie Wonder, if you wondered. (yes that was a really bad pun wasn't it)

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Faster – Manic Street Preachers. Undoubtedly one of the best songs by one of the best bands ever. No contest.

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White Wedding – hehe! *chuckles* how many of you recognised this Billy Idol song then? Go on admit it!

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Take On Me – AHA – being of course the definitive version. The original and still the best. (A1 should never have even thought of covering it) 

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Livin On The Edge – this will be Liv Tyler's dad singing then. Yep – Aerosmith.

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Dream A Little Dream Of Me – not the original – I'm not 100% sure who did it first. I was thinking of the Beautiful South version.

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Don't Speak – No Doubt. Not a really a fan – and what goes on in Gwen Stefani's head to make her think she looks good dressed like that?!

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Paid In Full – Eric B & Rakim. Because it amused me.

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Underwater Love – Levi's ad. Oops! Can't remember who this was by. Wasn't that good anyway! One – hit –wonder. 

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Suspicious Minds – Elvis. Say no more.

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Mysterious Ways – U2. The first song of theirs on this list. Not the last.

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Chains – hey one-hit-wonder! Tina Arena!

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Animal - *grins* Def Leppard. That's the other brother's fault.

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Don't Lose Your Head – Queen. Hey – it's from the soundtrack to Highlander! A film about immortals. (note subtle link between highlander and LOTR – both immortals. Hmm must be a conspiracy)

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Whose Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses – one of the few chapters written specifically to fit in the song title. I happened to be listening to it when I was writing a previous chapter and changed the story for the song.

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Crying – ooooh Roy Orbison. Him of 'Pretty Woman'song fame.

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What's Going On – Marvin Gaye. A man who had an amazing talent.

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Blurry – Puddle Of Mudd. read the lyrics before I heard the song. I do like this, even if I'm not 100% sure about their other stuff.

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In Too Deep – Sum41. I am a rocker at heart.

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Stone Cold Crazy – More Queen. Freddie rocks.

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Walking Contradiction – Green Day. Picked for the title.

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Heaven Is – Def Leppard. Again. It's the whole big hair thing – does it for me every time!

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Mary's Joint – Mary J Blige. Chosen mainly because it had 'Mary' in the title and I wanted something for the 'sues' 

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Party Hard – Andrew WK. I like this – especially when I've had a little too much to drink…

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Dancing Queen - *sighs* need you ask? It's ABBA of course. And is it only me who finds the line 'feel the beat from the tambourine' hilariously funny?

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Run Riot – More Def Leppard! Didn't realise I'd put so many of their songs in this. *looks surprised* haven't listened to them for ages either! Hmm. 

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Light My Fire – The Doors. Accept no substitute. 

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Spin Spin Sugar – Sneaker Pimps. When they were vaguely good.

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Hammer To Fall – Queen. Again!

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BloodSugarSexMagik – Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Luuurve this song. 

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Locked Out – Crowded House. Was listening to it as I wrote it.

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Left To My Own Devices – Pet Shop Boys Again. We love 'em!

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Lady Luck – The Proclaimers – picked for the title.

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Fight Music – Eminem. Forget about how everyone goes on about how crude he is. This man is beyond talented.

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Take A Bow – Madonna. Although I used 'bow' in a very different sense. Weird how some words mean two completely different things – even though the spelling is the same. 

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Telling Stories – The Charlatans. Not really a fan – but the title fitted.

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Home And Dry – The first (and probably not the last) song I have ever quoted in a fic. I heard it ages before I got to writing the last chapter and knew straight away that it had to be the title of the last chapter.

And now – Honourable mentions going out to all who reviewed in no particular order. *takes deep breath* "The author would like to thank…

bean; annakas; celtic dreamer; morauko; deb-sampson; finduilas; anita; sprite; lightpoet; tina; buckleberry fairy; ella; purrfect679; k; vanessa; celeste; dark maiden; starbrat; neville's girl; meagan aka sailorm; phoenix-hime; lady amara; princess lyssy; spacellama; whamsicle; angelsfall; elentari elessar; sicklepod.

Many thanks to all those who reviewed more than once. 

So that's all folks! Tune in next time for my sequel – which is being planned (and written) as we speak!

Lots a luv!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

serendu


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